Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Patrick's 4th

Wow!
So it came and went, that one day where Patrick turned four.

We started off our day like any other, but this day was in fact special. Jerry worked, but Patrick and I started off our morning with a common roll around in the covers
for ten minutes. Man we love to roll around and tickle, and giggle, and love on one another in the mornings, it really starts off the day right ya know? As I laid there next to my now 4 year old child, I could not help but be overcome for a moment by a flood of feelings. These are some of those thoughts and feelings.

The first being how beautiful my son is to me. I mean, wow! I am so totally in love with my child, and of course I know there is more to a person then their looks, but like most parents, I happen to think mine is stunningly handsome. I love his little mouth and eyes, I love the shape of his
eyebrows, and his chin. I love his little hands and feet, and those knobby knees in between.

The second was the realization that not so long a go those little hands and feet used to be much
smaller.

I mourn the baby he once was, and I miss his neediness that he once had for me. I miss how
close we once were. Not that we are distant by any means, but we were much closer. I do however have the great memories of three whole years of nursing and constant closeness that I loved and hated all at the same time.

I was also content with this new four year old before me. So confident and sure. So strong and
brave. So willing and eager to learn new things, and desperately still needing his mommy from
time to time.

And lastly excitement for the many years to come. Anticipation of new adventures and battles,
and an absolute knowing that he will grow into a strong, loving, compassionate human being. This last emotion was over whelming for me. I have so many hopes and dreams for my child. I am thrilled beyond belief that Jerry and I are able to provide a stable, safe, loving environment
for Patrick to grow up in. One where his spirit is not crushed, one where he can trust in and count on his parents. One where he is allowed to be whoever he wants to be, without any
judgment being passed on him. These things are hard to come by, and for me, none of these were possible as a child. I am eternally grateful to the powers that be, that have allowed me to have children, and provide the things for them that children so desperately need.

So on to the rest of our day! I made sure that before we even left the bed that I told my new four
year old that "Today is your Birthday". Oh, that sounded like a good thing to him. I told him all
about how tiny he used to be, and how big he is now. He loves, like most children, to hear about how cute and little he once was.
We started our day with breakfast, and getting dressed. It was his day,
so for breakfast he had 2, count them, 2 pop tarts. (he's only ever allowed one at a time, lol) He then decided to dress himself, and thought that the perfect outfit consisted of a white Hawaiian shirt, caki shorts,
and cowboy boots. What a character this one is. Did I mention this outfit also was accessorized with a red spider man glove, so that he
could be, Davy Jones, off of Pirates of the Caribbean. Here my friends and family is a snapshot of that wonderful outfit.
Moving on.......we started early making our cupcakes. Ran some errands, started the cake, decorated for the party, ran out of time, had
unexpected guests, and finally a party at apx 7pm.
Wow! By this time my feet were pretty swollen and hurting like you would not believe, but it was showtime.
We had a Pirate Party! We had eye patches and gold coins, we had a pirate ship shaped cake and cupcakes with little pirate signs in them.
I knew this would be the year for Patrick, where the birthday made since, and it did. He was so excited to see everyone, and even more excited to see all of the presents. Every time someone would tell Patrick, "Happy Birthday", he would say,"Happy Birthday to you" back. Too stinking cute! He was thrilled, and was around all of his favorite people. The evening was a success. No crying through the Happy Birthday song like last year. He is a big boy now!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fathers Day


Fathers Day was a success!

We started off our morning rolling around in bed, Patrick, Jerry and I, until the unanimous decision came to leave the nest. We made our rounds, turning on the air conditioner for the day, letting the dog out to use the bathroom, and letting the cats out of the back room. The next task at hand you ask? Breakfast! My husband, Jerry, loves sausage, biscuits and gravy, so that my friends is what I made for him. Yesterday we had banana pancakes, another favorite of his. Patrick and I gave dad his Fathers Day cards.

We hung out at the house and eventually made it to the park, which was full of everyone from town might I add, lol. We played, or rather the boys did. My brother tagged along which gave Jerry and Patrick someone else to play with. I sat most of the time, as my feet were swelling. We played some ball and played on the jungle jim a few times.

After the park we headed out for dinner. Applebee's was on the menu, and it was rather satisfying. We ate, laughed, talked and then headed to my brothers to hang for a bit. A little after nine we got home. All in all I have to say the day was a success. I would have loved to had many more photos but Mr. Patrick apparently does not like his picture taken, and the only one I did get of him that he did not make me delete is the one posted.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The countdown is on!

Patrick's birthday is almost here. I guess to some he is 4, seeing as it is days away, but to me, until it hits June 23rd at 8:56 am, he will still be 3. My baby has become so big, and he reminds me on a daily basis what a big boy he is by telling me in a condescending voice of sorts, "I can do it by myself!"
The clock is ticking, down to those moments when I have a 4 year old, and for the life of me I can not figure out how 4 years has gone by, it just seems to unreal. In the last four years we have nursed and weaned, we have had boo~boo's and ouchies, we have been sick and well, learned to crawl, talk, walk, had many haircuts, learned to sleep alone and potty trained. The list goes on, and I have been so thankful that I have been able to stay home so I never missed these things, and was able to document them. Trust me, my computer is filled with photos of my child, more than I ever thought a person could take.
I can not wait until Patrick's birthday and it is something I have planned with great pride. I took Patrick to Hobby Lobby this week, and he and I picked out his birthday theme together, well, kinda. It was more like, "I want this", and I said, "Okay", and threw it all in a basket, lol. I knew this year was going to be a big year for us, in many ways. It very well may be the first year that Patrick really remembers for years to come. I want his birthday to be spectacular and memorable. Does this mean I go rent a bouncy castle? If I had the cash......I very well might have, lol.
I can not wait to see what the rest of this year brings. An amazing birthday for Patrick, a new family member on the way, and I can not wait until Christmas to plan a memorable one for Patrick once again. May seem silly, but I can offer my child good, happy, fun, memories and that is something I want desperately to give him. We are having Patrick's birthday party on the evening of his Birthday, and I so can not wait, lot's of planning.
As some of you know Patrick has a severe dairy allergy and so this proves difficult for us at times. But being the awesome mom I am, lol, have carefully prepared for the best dairy free cake for my kiddo. I can't wait to take pictures of the big day, and post them here. Until then....you will have to read about something else.
Perhaps I will continue my Alaska story this week we will see.................


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Nothing but news


Feeling pretty busy these days.
I am running the Attachment Parenting Group in town, witch only has meetings once a month, but it still takes hours and sometimes days to prepare for the meeting topics. I have two moms who are going to take over for the months of August and September so that I don't have to fret while having a newborn, so that is a relief. I have organized playgroups for every Friday morning for anyone who wants to come, which I am proud of and am happy to do, but still requires a little brain power which is something I run in short supply of some days, lol.
Fathers day is right around the corner, as is Patrick's birthday. I still have yet to actually actively plan his party,lol, I am such a slacker.
I hit 30 weeks today and can not believe how close "The Birth Day" is coming. I feel like I slept
through the whole thing, it has just flown by, and I so thought it was going to at least seem to last forever. It has not, now I am running around trying to make sure we are ready. Are we ready? Mostly. I have to order my birth kit still, but I still have some time. Patrick was 10 days late, so I can not wait to see when this little one decides to join us, that in it's self is exciting enough. I find myself having fluctuations of excitement knowing that it is getting so close, that actually having the baby will be my first time, (seeing how Patrick was a c-section and I never was allowed to go into actual labor), and more than anything, we have no clue what the sex of the baby is, and that to me is the most exciting, anticipating thing about it all. I imagine that I will cost through the whole delivery on a high of adrenaline, as I tend to do in many situations.
I have still been sewing, and having fun doing so.
I finally got the baby's bed ready, don't know if the baby will actually sleep there but we will see. We received our co-sleeping bassinet courtesy of my grandparents, and it was just to plain. So I made a cover for the pad on it, as well as a mobile to hang over it when it is not next to the bed. I still have a few projects in my head that I want to do, and I bought myself some new sewing books with my birthday money, lol. I made an Amy Butler bag that is huge, but cute.


I have also been nesting. With Patrick I was a freak nesting, scrubbing base boards with a toothbrush at 9 months pregnant, even though he would not be crawling for some time. I have been experiencing similar instincts lately and spent the day yesterday cleaning the outside of my refrigerator and trash can, dusting corners and sweeping, mopping, you name it.

Anyway, just kind of an update on whats going on here and with me. I got a new recliner from a friend that has come in really handy for my swelling feet, and have already found myself in it often. Loving it.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Growing Up


My Little Man Is Going On Four!

   Patrick is turning four this month, and I can not believe it. How in the world could time have gone by so fast? It only seems like yesterday he arrived and Jerry and I found ourselves new parents. We struggled in the beginning like most parents do, but found our niche. Our little threesome has been wonderful these last four years, and I would not have it any other way. Jerry and I are so happy to have Patrick 
in our lives, and can not imagine a life without him. I feel so blessed, that I have been able to stay home with him all of these years, and play with him, grow with him, and be there to rub sick belly's, and wipe tears, and kiss ouchies, that too, I would never change. I have not regretted being here for him, watching him, loving him, and am glad that we have had all of the time we have had. he really has been the light in my life.
 

Patrick has accomplished so much, in the little time he has been here,
 and I am so eager to see what the coming years 
will bring. I know I will mourn the loss of my baby, the baby he once was, and I know that when he reaches his teen years, I may wish the doctor never pulled him out, lol, but my baby he will be forever and ever. 
 
  Now comes the fun part, planing
 a birthday bash for my kiddo. I seem to be having some trouble this year, but I know that no matter what, he will have a great day. I am so excited to give him a day that is his, he is finally big enough that he gets the concept and seems to think that a birthday is pretty darn special, as they should be! So here is to you Patrick, I love you more than anything in the world. I look forward to your big day, because you deserve a day that is yours, especially for putting 
up with a mom like me, lol! Thank you for letting me torture you with my camera, I will be forever grateful cowboy!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

29 Weeks going on 40


   Well, once we hit 30, there is only 10 weeks left. Guess I better start getting things really put together huh? The baby is the topic of most conversations right now, which I suppose is a good thing, because it helps us mentally prepare for a new member of the family. I have started talking to Patrick about all of the wonderful things about having a new baby, but I have also started to prepare him for the things he may not like. I am worried about the fragile emotional state of my child, lol. I know to some this sounds preposterous, but we have practiced attachment parenting in our home, and we have really tried to be emotionally there for Patrick, when he needs us, and to tend to his insecurities and so on. I am a little nervous to see how everything will work out, but have faith that it will.
   The baby is not moving as much as it had been w
eeks previous, I am told this is common to feel a lot of activity, 
and then little, due to a tighter space. I still keep dreaming that the baby is born, and it is in fact a girl. At this point I have decided to just state it, It's a girl. If I am wrong, then I was wro
ng, but I figure I might as well have some faith and believe she's a she. She is probably very upset at me right now, because I have been sick for the last week with a cold. Every time I cough, my abdomen muscles tighten and squeeze the baby, I can feel the baby move after I have coughed a few times, lol. I have been miserable but for like the first time in like..ever, I was taken care of while sick. Jerry left work early the other day so he could come home and help me, and my mother spent most of her day off over, cooking for me and playing with Patrick so I could get some rest. Thanks!
   
Well, I would love some pregnancy photos
 of myself because,
 well I would, I never did any with
 Patrick and wish that I had, but I am not willing to pay up the butt for them. That's right I said, up the butt! Everyone in town wants too much, and my god, Christi Cross wants $250 just for the session, that's not including the photos, and just between you and me.......she's not that good! Did I say that to loud? Lol, so I have decided to take some of my own, and will attempt to do the same until I, "POP". 
It is hard to photograph yourself, especially when you have a child
 hopping in and out of the frame and sticking their hands in....lol, what a little turd he was. But I got one with him as well.


My Birthday

So this seems to be a trend, I post on a regular basis, and then like that, bam, gone from the blog map, lol. I am busy you know! So now it is time for the fun game pf catch up.


My Birthday.......

   My birthday was wonderful and I would not have had it any other way. I cooked for myself, as only I can cook, and I made some of my most yummy foods that I love to eat. I did cheat, and had a steak! The dinner was great. Jerry bought me a cute little birthday card and a movie, which was just what I wanted. 
To top off the day, we had the most delicious, moist, heaven on earth, gluten free, dairy free cupcakes. My gosh they were so good, and I have decided to make them on a regular basis, every girl needs a fix, and chocolate is mine! Don't they just look yummy? Oh, they were so good! Since my birthday was during the week, Jerry and I waited until the weekend for him to take me out for our, "Birthday dinner and a movie." My brother graciously watched Patrick for us and Jerry and I went out. Nothing fancy, once again I cheated and had him take me to Arby's, lol. When I was pregnant with Patrick, we would drive to the next town over, Wentzville, for our doctors visits, we would eat there in town either at Arby's or Jack in the box. I thought it would be fun, just once to have Arby's again. I was however horribly disappointed. They are expensive, and I mean crazy expensive, but I figure if I can get a good meal, I will pay it. I ordered a Medium Beef & Cheddar Meal, for $8 bucks....$8 bucks! I got a regular sized beef & Cheddar with no Cheddar, cold, and a crusty bun. Lol, Jerry and I could not help but laugh at the situation. I like my food the way I like it, and if you mess with my food you will pay, lol. I fought off all thoughts and urges, of saying something, and just ate my crusty, cold, cheddarless, $8 dollar beef and cheddar for my birthday cheat dinner. That should teach me to cheat on my good food diet, eh? Afterwards Jerry and I went to go see the new Star Trek movie, which was AWESOME! I am a total Trekkie so I was thrilled to see the movie. It was great, I loved it, and can not wait for it to come out on DVD so I can buy it. So all in all it was a great birthday, that kinda lingered through the week.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

My Sister


 I love my sister, she is the only one I have!
Annie and I have been through hell and back, twice, together. And after all that we have been through, I am sure most would expect us not to be on speaking terms, but that my 
friends is the power of forgiveness. I love my sister so much, unconditionally.
 Of course there are things about her that drive me a little crazy, but I love them at the same time, because these little things make her who she is, and she is an amazing, smart, beautiful, vibrant, person that everyone loves and and everyone likes. I envy my sisters likable personality at times, she just has something about her that says"I am fun, hang out with me", but she also has an awesome heart and truly
 wants to do right in the world. These are both things about my sister that make me happy. Through all of the abuse, neglect, abandonment, anger and fear, she and I  have managed to keep our sanity. Not at all times but most, and I can not even imagine going through all of these things with anyone else. Sure we got on each others nerves, we were siblings, but sometimes I  think of how much scarier things could have been if we didn't have each other. I loved, even as much as I hated it, that we were always together. Annie and I were able to
 look after each other that way, and not be alone and victims of the world. I miss my sister horribly, and I hate it that she lives so far away. I imagine if she were here, or I were there, we would be the best of friends. I am so glad that I have her in my life, even if it is from across the country. I was so thrilled when my sister came to visit last year, and am so disappointed that I will not get to see her this year. The next time I see her, will probably be when she is getting married. I hate it that it will be so long, and my new child will be 8 months old or so. The first time Annie got to see Patrick was at my wedding, he was 10 months old.
  
 Speaking of marriage, my sister has officially announced that she is engaged, and this my friends rocks my world. Annie has found, who I can only some up, as the perfect man for her. Jeremy, the soon to be groom is one in a gazillion, and I am so excited and thrilled to have him joining our little
 dysfunctional family. There is no one else in the world I would rather have marry my sister, really. So to you my sister, I love you always and forever. I have forgiven you for anything that may need forgiving, and I hope you can do the same for me. There is no one else on this planet I would rather have for a sister, and I really do take it as a honor to be your right hand gal when you walk down that isle. 

So here is a cheers to you! I wish you  happiness and love. I wish for all of your heart desires to come true. I dream for you a life with a happy marriage, a home of your own, and beautiful children. And I hope that I can always be there for you when you need me, no matter what. Love ya.
   

Sunday, May 17, 2009

My Yard Sale Goodies

Thanks to Andrea who helped me most wonderfully by selling me some used baby gear. I now have everything I need for the new arrival coming soon, except for a co-sleeping bassinet, so if anyone would like to pitch in for one, or knows someone who is finished with one, please let me know. Had to share my goodies with others from the yard sale yesterday. 
A baby swing that swings more than one way, and has lights and music, more than what we had for Patrick, lol. It's in great condition and gender neutral for sure. I am so excited! A walker that is in great condition as well. I know we don't need one right away, but now I don't have to buy one later. And lastly a car seat. The car seat was a great buy, not only was it a whopping $5 bucks, but it is the same brand as our stroller, and so it clips right in. It's also in "like new" condition, and it's a big relief to have it taken care of. 

My New Hobby

   This is my new best friend. I love this machine. Way back when I was pregnant with Patrick I had got this crazy idea that I wanted to sew, but really didn't know much about it, or sewing machines. While at a flea market Jerry and I met an old couple selling this old  Kenmore, and for a good price to.  "Can we get it please?" I asked Jerry, and of course he happily said yes. This machine and I have recently become the best of friends. Like I said, I have had this old thing for several years, and I would pull it out every so often to use it for things here or there, to make curtains, nothing tricky at all. Now I see it just about everyday, perhaps I should name the machine??? While shopping this afternoon I decided that if I want my new friend to like me, I better take good care of it, so I bought some oil, and greased that baby when I got home. I brushed dust and lint out of every crack and cranny. She is now, a well oiled machine, and when I turned her on, it was if she sighed and thanked me, lol.    I know some of you are waiting for the next chapter of my story, and for those of you who have asked, or care, be patient, lol, I will get to it. I had to take a break. In the meantime I found something else to entertain myself. As if you have not guessed by now, it is sewing. I blame it all on my friend Heidi, she started it, and now I can't stop.  Would you like to see what I have been doing? You would??? Great!
   Everyone loves baby feet, and I wanted something to cover
 them, baby booties anyone?
Are these not just adorable?
As you can see I 
had
 to make a girly pair just in case she is a she. I have loved making these booties, and now find myself searching the Internet for new tutorials or patterns for different kinds. Sewing has been so fun for me, and I literally find myself dreaming of different color combos, an
d ribbons and embellishments I can add. How can I mix these? This color, and this pattern would go great together! I so love i
t, and Jerry is convinced I could make and sell some of this stuff. The booties however...I would have to come
up with my own style or pattern, so I'm not copying anyone else. There are many other things I have made as well, on  my own with no patterns except  and am considering a booth at local craft store.I am also loving these little monsters I made. Jerry thinks they are kinda weird, and Patrick loves them. Are they too warped? I think they are fun, and have several new
 ideas for them. Do they need a mouth? I have also been debating on this as well.
I have also made some cloth toys for fun, from patterns 
I have either found online, or
 of my own imagination. I have really had
 loads of fun doing
 this.

One of my favorites that I have been working on is a matching diaper bag, wipe case, and changing pad combo, pictured in green. I have also been working on plush blocks, and lovies, burp clothes, and cloth wipes. My other absolute favorite and pride and joy right now is the play mat I made. So as you can see I have been busy at work, and really loving it too. Every so often I get upset with my sewing pall, but we make up rather fast.




Monday, May 11, 2009

An old post card

Found an old post card from my mother today. I don't have many things that I used to, due to unforeseen circumstances, but I did manage to hold on to this. At a point in my life where my mother was gone driving a truck, and I lived with my grandmother, my mother did manage to send every so often a card. This one is dated the 13th of November, 1997. It was from New Orleans, and read;
Michelle, My Bell, I love you so well, Oh my Michelle.......corny, I know, but I do. Louisiana is beautiful. Hope I can bring you here someday. Trees are mossy, swamps & alligators everywhere. Love you 4 ever. Mom

My Alaska Experience Part 3

 So here we are, parked at a gas station, I need to use the bathroom, and the “privilege”, has been denied by a big old slap in the face, literally. How does one respond to this? After Lana had hauled off and violated me, she seemed to have a, “Uhh” moment. It was apparent to me already on this trip that this woman was a through and through control freak, and any defiance was punishable. After Lana hit me, I unlocked my door, and went to the bathroom. I could still see the cartoon like steam coming out of her ears as I looked back. I went into the bathroom to do my business, and sat there, and then I started crying. I felt abused, violated, hated, and like a prisoner. How could this be happening? I had a moment of panic in the bathroom, where I thought, If I could just find a marker I could leave a note like in a movie, with a big HELP! On it. But alas, markers are not something just lying around in a gas station bathroom. So I did the only thing I thought I could do, suck it up, and get back into the car. Lana of course had decided that the best interaction with me, would be intimidation, and to put fear in me. She put down her mirror, and would look at me giving me evil squinted eyed looks. I remember trying not to take it as a big deal, is she serious? Making faces at me, did eventually start to freak me out.

   We were driving through the night until we hit Idaho, and we decided to camp for the night. Leeann had one of those big giant carriers strapped to the top of the expedition with all of our stuff in it. She unloaded everything and then I got my orders. “ Michelle, can you help the kids set up there tents?” “Sure”, I replied. So I set up two tents on my own, rolled out sleeping bags, and now maybe I could get mine set up. Wait…I did not have a tent. Lana had a tent, Leeann had a tent. Abigail and Peter had a tent they were sharing, and Ethan had his own. Of course I asked, where am I sleeping, and Lana, the comic she was, said…”Back in Oklahoma preferably.” Ugh! I was invited on this trip, and yet she behaved as if I were some burden or tag along that they could not get rid of. I ended up sleeping with Abigail, Peter and Ethan bunked together, so everyone was under cover. The next morning I got up before everyone else and took myself on a little walk up to the bathrooms, there in our little camping park. I used the bathroom, something that should not be denied to anyone. And then I spotted the pay phone. I had a some change on me, so I called home. I could not wait to be able to tell someone what the heck was going on. The phone rang…..and rang again. “Hello?” My sister had answered. “Is mom there?” I asked. “No”. She replied in a mean way. At this point I felt like I just needed to shrivel up and die. I was having this horrible trip, and I just needed to talk to someone who loved me and could tell me it will be okay, or oh my god, or something. But instead once again I was treated like it was a burden for me to be calling my own home, and then…it got worse. “What the hell do you want Michelle?” she asked. “Gosh, I just wanted to see if mom was there, and I need someone to talk to cause things are not going well and……” “You’re such a slut! No one wants’ to talk to you.” My sister says and then she hangs up. Well, wasn’t that nice? The icing on the cake as they say, and I felt completely alone. As I stood there in shock, watching other campers pack up and leave I thought of asking a family to take me with them, I knew however that this would not work unless I was bleeding or it was apparent that I was in some danger. Lana then came walking up the hill, spouting off something to me along the line of me running off and having no respect. I was in line of sight, so for me it was more just more nonsense.

    We packed up, or I should say I did. Lana got on me first thing, as well as Leeann. It was my job to break down the kids tents, roll up their sleeping bags, and then walk all three of them to the bathroom where I was to make sure that they were dressed, hair combed, and teeth brushed. Of course as you can imagine for anyone, this would be a task, and for me, I thought we were doing well, that is until Lana stormed into the restroom. With a grumpy face, (which she never seemed to loose, really) she said, “It’s time to go. Let’s get moving.” And then continued  on by asking me why one child still had not brushed their teeth, and what could possibly take so long, and you can’t do anything right. I remember her walking out, and me just balling to myself on the inside. “I guess your right Lana, I can’t do anything right.” Is what I thought to myself. And to top it all off, I still had to get ready. Lana made it clear what a lousy job I did on the kids. They had just woken up, were half asleep, looked like it, and we had one mirror, and one sink, the children had to take turns brushing their teeth. Lana griped and moaned about how long everything was taking so I gave up, as I only felt like I could, otherwise I would never hear the end of it. So I threw my hair up in a rubber band, dirty, smelly, and greasy faced, I climbed back into the expedition. After all, everyone was waiting on me! Then we left, starting on our way into a little town nearby. For the life of me I can not remember the name of the town but believe it was a something Springs, or Valley. We spent maybe and hour looking through some shops in a small shopping center in the square. Lots of fancy, expensive, overpriced things. There was a fountain inside this building with a little stream, this is where I spent most of that hour. I was trying to get grips on reality, but sadly was having a hard time doing so, due to all of the inner conflict. We used the bathroom, loaded up, and once again were on the road. Things remained pretty steady and uncomfortable for me. Leeann and Lana would talk up front, and look at me in their mirrors. I would hear Leeann praying all of the time. I did not sleep like the others in the car, I couldn’t, and would wake up and watch Leeann driving, and going over every beads on her rosary, repeatedly for hours.

   As we continued up North, I spent a lot of time looking out my window, and watching all of the amazing things. The mountains and streams, the hills and snow, the enormous trees, and the roads that would wined all the way up or down those hills and mountains, and the wildlife.

   It was night, and I was sleeping, and I woke up to sound of talking and breaks, and I could feel the car stopping, and going. We were just about to enter Canada, and were at the port of entry, my heart was filled with terror. They did there walk around the vehicle, and I could here the man talking with Leeann. “Who is in the vehicle with you?” he asked. “My sister, and my children.” That was it! I wanted to scream at that point and say “She’s lying, I am not her child.” She lied. At this point things really were not that bad, but you have to understand that I did want to get away. I did feel like a prisoner. You could slice threw the tension and intimidation in that car with a knife like butter. I felt it, and that’s why I wanted away so badly, I knew things could only really get worse. So with that one little tiny lie, no checking of papers, of passports or anything at all, this woman was allowed to take me out of the U.S. with no problems whatsoever. As soon as we crossed that line, I felt certain doom, I was no longer in the U.S. and that was scary to me. I leaned my head against my window, with my pillow tucked underneath, and cried to myself until I fell asleep. When I awoke a couple of hours later we were still driving and the country was magnificent.

   Canada was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. They had tall fences along the highways so as to help prevent animals coming onto the road. I saw a black bear. I saw the streams and forests. I saw the cliffs and waterfalls, and mountains. I drew lots of pictures in my sketch pad. We got to a place as we were coming near Banff, where the streams running along the road were no longer brown, or green, but had turned to turquoise and there was steam rising off of them. I was in amazement and to me, this was the most exotic place on earth, and I would love to live there. I asked Leeann about the steam and she explained to me that there were volcanoes in the area, and that the streams were in fact being heated. Soon we came into Banff.

   I would love to go back to Banff one day, really I would, what a great place. Leeann and Lana had decided this would be a good place to stop again and spend the day. It was a cold, cloudy, drizzling day in Canada. This town was so neat to me, and so foreign. We parked and walked the streets. Wow! Shops lined up along the side of the road as long as you could see. People everywhere, bikes everywhere. They had shops on the corners that you could rent a bicycle for the day to ride around on. It was so cool. I could smell coffee in the air from coffee shops. We went to the mall there. The mall was big like any other mall, Leeann and Lana had things they needed there. I don’t remember what, or even why we were there. We got a hot dog from the snack bar and sat there and ate. I was asked to sit with the kids while the two grown ups went and did their thing. I waited for them to come back so that I could make a phone call, I had to call home so bad, I needed to talk to me mother. I had not been able to call since Idaho, which seemed like two years ago, but was more like two days. I went off by myself into a little hallway around the corner to the public payphones. I had to figure out the French speaking payphone and then call home, I was already getting ready to cry before anyone even answered. The phone rang. “Hello”. It was my sister again. “ Hey, it’s Michelle, is mom there?” “Nope.” She replies.

“Do you know when she will be there?” I ask. “Nope!” she replies once again. So at this point because I am so desperate to talk to anyone, especially someone who loves me, I ask her what’s been going on. She then tells me she is busy and has to go. “Can you tell mom I called?” I ask. “Whatever!” my sister replies. I hung up the phone and stood there thinking to myself that I was in hell, but that I needed to just suck it up, feeling sorry for myself was not going to get me anywhere. I walked around the corner and saw everyone sitting at the table, having ice cream I believe. I remember seeing a clown juggler in the mall, that was kind of cool. After that we went into a store, I think it was like a Hallmark or something and I wanted to buy a postcard or something, but only had a couple dollars on me from my birthday, that was it. I did buy it though. Later on we went and looked at a big giant hotel there in Banff that looked like a castle or mansion. We made our way up to the natural hot springs. It was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. Here we were in the top of the mountains, it is lightly snowing overhead, but you are sitting in water that is so hot it’s almost boiling it seemed. It was like the size of a pool, and there were tons of people there. It was a really neat experience. That night we stayed in a hotel, it was nice. It had a kitchen, and living area with a fireplace, and a bedroom.

   The next day we were off again, and I was still completely filled with despair. I sat staring out the window. On our way through Canada we saw a baby moose crying on the side of the road, I am sure looking for his or her mother. I would skim my eyes across the tree lines looking for bear, and imagine I was some kind of a wild child living amongst them, Tarzan style.

   We drove on a winded road around a lake that was crystal clear and over it was the first triple rainbow I had ever seen. I remember how beautiful it was and the water in this pond was so clear, you could literally see the rainbow reflected in the water. I sketched it.  I really don’t remember much more until we hit Alaska, and even then, knew it would be a while until we reached our actual destination. I would like to think that I went into survival mode and was in and out of consciousness. More of the same, I can’t do anything right, don’t interrupt. I cried a lot on that trip, to myself. Lana noticed once, and made some comment about me being to old to cry. I can’t tell you how many times I thought on that trip about leaping from that car. If I do it exactly when, and if I tuck and roll, I could survive. But then again, I would be in the middle of nowhere and where would I go. I daydreamed about me hitchhiking home, or being rescued by the highway patrol.  Maybe if I jumped out once we made it into a town??? But how would I get home? What about my stuff? I have no money? I found many reasons and ways to talk myself out of jumping from that car, and I remember the sweaty palms of my hands holding onto the door handle, trying to work myself up enough to just let the door fly open.

   I remember when we came into Soldotna, and Leeann decided that it was food time, so she hit up a McDonalds drive threw. She asked the kids what they wanted, and then started to order. I looked confused. What about me? I was hungry. Why don’t I get food? Was I being punished for something? She knows I can’t pay for my own meal. Lana and Leeann, and the kids all had food and drinks. No food for me. I didn’t even ask, I couldn’t, how do you ask someone what about me, where’s my food, when it was obvious that for some reason she didn’t get any for me. I was starving. I asked the kids if I could have some fries, and Abigail shared with me. I could not, can not, even now believe what Leeann was doing, and at this point had no clue how much worse it was going to get.

   I believe the next stop we made was Lana’s house. Now, Lana was a disgusting woman to me. Her teeth were not right, she was overweight, she smelled, she wore plad and boots often, and she swore like a sailor. The cussing caught me off guard from the very beginning, because Leeann never swore around her children, and were sheltered from it in a since. We drove up a little windy road in woods, and came to a little cabin style house. Everyone unloaded, and Lana’s children came out of the house. I can’t even tell you how many there were, I just remember how rude they all were. We walked in the house and it was dark and dingy, and filthy. Kids running amuck, screaming, yelling, and holes in the wall. It was very uncomfortable for me and I could not wait to leave.

   Finally at some point we head off to Leeann’s mothers house with whom we would be staying with on this little adventure. We were greeted when we got there. It was tucked away back somewhere in god knows where. There was a barn, and there was a fence and horses. There were mountains in the background that were just stunning. I was glad that we had finally got to our destination, and I could finally begin counting down the return trip, and more than anything, I was glad we dropped off Lana, because at this point I knew I hated her. I wished her dead.

Friday, May 8, 2009

My Alaska Experience Part 2

Part one is down below.

   So here we were about to start our trip to Alaska. It would take approximately a week to get there driving. The route was from Dallas Texas, through Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, up into Canada, and then looping down into Alaska, to a tiny little place between Soldotna, and Kasilof, on the Kenai Peninsula

   Little did I know that the next 7 days of my life, were going to get stranger and scarier, and eventually climax into a rescue mission to get me home.  

 

   Leaving Dallas everything seemed okay, except for the amount of space maybe. Leeann and Lana were in the front of course, then in the back was Abigail and I, and in the third row was Ethan and Peter. In this day there were not all the portable DVD players in vehicles that there are now, so entertainment was slim. The kids had some hand held video games, and I had “Chicken Soup for the Teenagers Soul” for the next 7 days.

   Leeann and Lana had not seen each other in several years, so they had a lot of talking to do. It did not take long before I heard them talking about religion and the saints, especially mother Mary. I read often, but also sat and looked out the window, thinking about my friends, and my sister at home, what they might be doing and the fun they might be having. I fantasized about my return home with everyone thinking I was pretty cool, because I spent time in Alaska over the summer. I talked with the kids, and shared video games, and played I spy and other car games with the children. Now, not everyone is a car ride kind of person, but as a child it was exciting sometimes, and sleeping was never to fun on a car ride, but it passed time, and it was always exciting to wake up and see where you were now.

   As we entered Arizona in the early morning, I woke up to see a beautiful sunrise and plateaus, and canyons, just like you may see on a post card. I remember the butterflies and excitement I felt, just from seeing something so pretty that I had never seen before. It was so big and open, and you could see for miles, to the end of the earth in some places. At this point Leeann and Lana were taking turns driving. As the trip progressed, and we were on our way into Colorado, I remember Leeann and Lana talking quietly amongst them selves, at this point, I already felt as if I knew they were talking about me.

   Colorado was something to see. I had a sketch pad with me in the car, and I remember sitting there in my seat drawing mountains and hills, and the clouds. Staring out the window looking at the different shapes in the clouds made me want to go home. About the time we reached Colorado, things really started to change. It was as if we had reached some invisible barrier, and the switch had been flipped, the “welcome to hell switch.”

Lana made it apparent that she did not like me, she would ask me questions, and then interrupt me, or cut me off in an aggressive way. I was no dummy, I knew her hostility towards me was on purpose and directed at me. If I heard Lana and Leeann talking and I felt like getting in the conversation, I would in fact wait for the appropriate time to enter that conversation, only to be told by Lana that I was not to interrupt. I started wondering what the heck was going on. All of a sudden it was as if this grown woman was picking on me, and right in front of Leeann, and yet she did nothing. I was in shock, and then of course you start to question whether or not you are reading things correctly. Could it be I was in the wrong, and I was the one being rude? I thought about it, every time it came up, and it became more and more obvious to me that she was insane.

The most puzzling thing was of course, why Leeann, my friend, my second mother in a sense was letting her sister brow beat and bash me verbally, and in a car with her own children no less. We rarely stopped, which still to this day freaks me out because you would think with a car full of kids, you would have children that needed to use the bathroom. Now we did stop every so often on the side of the road, and the boys would pee, no big deal. For a girl however, there is a little more skill required to pee on the side of the highway, and for a 15 year old the idea is not at all appealing. I had decided that in most cases I would hold it until we needed gas or Lana had to pee. See if Lana had to pee, we would find a bathroom, if I had to pee, I was just expected to pull down my britches and go on the side of the road. Of course I saw a problem with this, I was 15 and had in fact been treated very much like an adult by my mother, or at least respect. Why should she have more of a right to a facility than I did? At one point I was in pain from holding my pee for so long, and I had to go. I of course kept this to myself, because anytime I had anything to say in that car, Lana acted as if it were a crime against God, so I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut so as to not have any confrontations with her. Leeann had stopped to get gas and go inside to pay. I started putting on my shoes and went to go open the door to get out, and Lana hit the automatic locks so I could not get out. “Where do you think you are going?” Lana asked. “I have to pee really bad.” I said. “Stay here!” She said. With a half smirk on my face, and of course thinking, who the hell are you, I said, “Lana, I have to pee.” Lana then says, “There are three children in this car smaller than you and they don’t have to pee, what’s the matter with you?” What’s the matter with me? All I needed to do was pee, was it that big of a deal? “Lana, let me get out so I can use the bathroom please!” I said. “No” Lana said. “If you ask me one more time……” “Lana this is crazy, let me out and go pee, what am I supposed to do then, just sit here and pee all over the seat?” Well, that was it, that set her off, and I could see it the second it happened, this woman I had barely known for 3 days or so was about to hit me. I saw it coming, I saw it like in a movie, in slow mo, she reached back, and swung her hand at me and hit me right in my face. “Don’t sass me!” Was her reply.

 

   This will be part 2, because believe it or not I can not write anymore on this tonight. I re live it when I write it. I feel the confusion, and the frustration, anger and sadness, and I find myself back in that place, at that moment, being 15, and trapped in a vehicle, hundreds, maybe thousands of miles away from home. Lost and scared. The feeling I get the most when in remembering this, is utter and complete sadness, and all I wanted was my mommy!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Alaska Experience Part 1


   I have never written about this, and the reason for that probably is avoidance. I have told the story here and there, but it is a long story, and not many understand what I actually went through.

   When I tell people, “I have been to Alaska”, they ask how I ended up there, then of course the last thing you would ever expect anyone to say is, “Well, I was kidnapped and taken there.”  The response then usually is a look of surprise, confusion, and then followed by a “what?” with an Elvis lip. I then try to explain my answer, but once again, no one really cares. I care though, and this experience for me was life changing in many ways, and I would not be where I am without that experience. This was, the first time in my life where, I learned who God really was, and was not, and more importantly I learned about the enemy. I can see clearly now, what had taken place, and am grateful that it all did, because without the trip to Alaska at 15 years old, I never would have met Jerry, my husband, at 20. This was for me, the first series of events that placed me where I am, and I am so thankful to God for loving me no matter what, and hearing me when I needed help, and never not once forsaking me. I love my God with all of my heart, and thank him for my path, my life, my family, and my place in this world.

 

   Before I actually begin this adventure, I have to give you a little background. My mother, God bless her was not the greatest of mothers, but she most defiantly did her best with what she had, and that was nothing. She had a horrible unimaginable childhood, and upbringing, that I would not wish on my enemies.

   This story begins somewhere in a long line of adventures in our little family. When I was around 11 or so, my mother met a man that she worked with. His name was....”Bob”. Bob seemed like a nice enough guy, very handsome, and I fell in love with his fatherly appearance. He was tall, and had a beard, and always seemed to have a big warm smile. Bob worked at the hospital where my mother was working, and things were hard for us. My mother was working, and supporting 3 children on her own. Eventually, and rather quickly we were moving from our little small town in Oklahoma, to the big state of Texas with Bob. We now had a new addition to our family, and all seemed well….at first. Time passed, and bad things happened, and things just seemed to get worse and worse, the entire “family” was falling apart. It was a nightmare for me, and one of the times in my life I wish I could live without. While in Texas, we lived in an apartment complex and had a neighbor named “Leeann”.  Leeann had three small children whom I loved and become friends with and often was a babysitter for. Leeann becomes part of the story soon, so I have to mention her, otherwise you may ask, “Who is this Leeann person”.

    Soon before you knew it I was 13, my sister was 12, and my brother was no longer a part of our family. So it was in fact, my sister and I on our own. We came to a place in this adventure where my stepfather Bob, was unemployed due to injury and what I believe to be mental instability, and my mother, for the first time in her life took the authority, and said, “We need to support our family, I can make money driving a truck, and I am going to truck driving school.” Bob, quickly decided that no wife of his was going to drive a truck, and that if this is something that she was going to pursue, he would have no part in it. I remember well the day my mom left for truck driving school. She was going to be gone for several weeks training for CRST in Oklahoma.

How I wished I could go with her. The day my mother left, things were quiet in our little 2 bedroom apartment. Bob stayed in his room for a few hours, and then came to my sister and I.                                                                                                                                                                             

   He had us sit on the sofa as he then explained to us that he no longer could be with our mother, and that we needed to leave. “Where are we supposed to go?” “Are you kidding me?” Bob gave us 35 cents to go to a pay phone and call someone to go live with. My sister and I sobbed as we walked to a nearby pay phone, talking with one another, asking, “what do we do know?” “What’s going to happen to us?” “How can he do this?” “We are just kids.” We called the only person in the area that we knew, Leeann. Leeann came and picked us up, and arranged for our aunt, on my mothers side, to come and pick us up from Oklahoma. We ended up at my grandmothers, my mother’s mother, for a period of about 6 months, until I suppose it became apparent that it was crucial for my mother to come home and get us or we were going to kill ourselves. Living with my grandmother was hell, and I will never admit that it was any better than that, I remember pleading with my mother on the phone to come home. It still amazes me to this day, how my grandmother could hate and treat her own blood the way that she did.

   My mother was looked at as a monster by all parties for taking the initiative to support her family, it was if she had some kind of disease that was contagious and they shunned her, and persecuted her, all for going to truck driving school. Family members would say that she abandoned us, but she never did, she left us in the care of our stepfather, who was supposed to love and take care of us until my mothers return. I heard things said like, “A woman’s place is at home”, and “A woman needs to be with her children not all over the country”. How could they be so cruel?  My mother did come home, and my sister and I felt as if we could finally breathe a sigh of relief. For us, being left, kicked out, and abused over the last 6 months was hard, and we so needed to be relieved of it.

   My mother came home, and we found a house in the town my grandmother lived in. Oklahoma was our new state. My mother still was driving a truck, but now my sister and I had a place of our own, away from our devilish grandmother. We had no furniture in our house, we could not afford it, we slept and ate on the floor, but it did not bother us one bit, because we were safe. And this my friends is where we actually start getting to the story of how I, ended up in Alaska.

 

 

   Things were still a little shaky since my mother had come home. We now had a home, but my mother was not there often, she was off driving a truck. She had to, so we could support ourselves, and we were just fine on our own, my sister and I, really.  We were never in any trouble, and we were always taken care of. My mother made sure we had food, and money, and called to check in on us often.

   We had made friends over the last several months at school, and now summer break was upon us. I was looking forward to the summer, until….the rumors started. The rumor started to circulate that I had slept with a boy who had a girlfriend. I was 14 and still had my virginity in tact. Upon the arrival of summer break, my mother had decided that we needed to go back to Texas to collect our things from storage. I was down with getting out of town for a day or two with the rumors going around. We rented a big Uhaul, and my mother, sister and I headed down south. We collected our things from storage, and then headed by our old friends place, Leeann’s.

 

  Leeann was a really nice woman. She was a single mother of three, two boys and a girl. “Abigail”, who was Eight,” Ethan”, who was Six and “Peter”, who was Three. Leeann seamed to be a great mom, and friend. When we lived in Texas with her as our neighbor, she took care of my sister and I, over the summer, of her own free will. She would take us to the movies, and miniature golf, and to Hurricane Harbor. We liked to hang out over at her apartment. They had movies, and a computer, and video games, and more than anything good food and snacks. We loved Leeann and her kids. I also, being the oldest would watch her kids from time to time.

   I remember the day my mother, sister and I pulled up on the side of her apartment, there in Texas, with our Uhaul of our belongings, which was not much. Leeann was happy to see us, and invited us in. I really don’t know much of what took place while we were there, because my sister and I were with the kids, while my mother and Leeann talked. I heard their conversation every so often and heard them talk of my now ex-stepfather, and religion, and me. We came to a place where we were ending our visit soon. Leeann had told my mother that she and her children were going to Alaska for 2 weeks to visit her family, and so that the children could see their father. Leeann then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go on the trip with them. Uh, well yeah, of course. I was not looking forward to going home back to the rumors and lies. I saw no reason not to take the offer. Going to Alaska was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it was only for two weeks, but the trip would be longer since we were driving. While I was there in Texas, before the trip to Alaska, I could also visit with old friends so that was exciting as well. Leeann explained to me how much of a help it would be if I were to go, to help look after the kids. I was sold!

   The plan seemed simple, I was to hang in Texas for a small period of time with Leeann and her children, visit with old friends, head to Alaska, and behold the magnificence, and then come back, on the way, Leeann dropping me off at home. Simple right? Before my mother and sister left, Leeann explained to my mother that she was getting new furniture when they came back from their trip, and that if my mother wanted her old furniture she could have it. All we really had was two old orange chairs that must have come from the 70’s. My mother graciously accepted. Now, my mother had a full Uhaul of furniture to take back with her, Sofa and Chair, Kitchen table and chairs, and a bedroom suit. The time came for my mother and sister to leave back to Oklahoma. My mother told me that she would pack up some things for me, and send them to me before we left for Alaska; after all it was the end of May in Texas and it was hot, but tank tops and shorts would not fly in Alaska. We hugged and kissed and then it was goodbye.

  

 

   Now I was with Leeann and her children. We went to the movies the second day I was there, and I was treated no different than I ever had been. I contacted my old friend “Stacy’ so that we could visit. Leeann, did not want me far from her site but agreed to let Stacy’s mother pick me up for an afternoon. I wanted to see my friend Stacy everyday while I was there in Texas, but Leeann started making comments about the people I chose to associate myself with, and made a big deal about me being on the phone and wanting to go places. There was in fact, nothing wrong with Stacy and she was a very good friend, and girl. Leeann threw a birthday party for me while I was there. My birthday is at the end of May, and she did invite my friend Stacy to the party. She bought me an Ice cream cake from Ben and Jerry’s, I remember well, it was Oreo cookie ice cream filling, and the best cake I had ever had. She bought me a duffel bag and matching back pack for our trip to Alaska, and my very own sleeping bag. She also had given me one of those clothe saint necklaces to wear.  I knew she had spent a lot of money on me, and I was grateful.

   Now you have to remember all of this was only a period of maybe 5 days of so. Over this course of time Leeann started talking to me on a daily basis about her God, and church, and how she had a growing relationship with the saints. I knew that Leeann was Catholic, and that she and the children went to church on Sundays, but not regularly when I had lived there. I remember having a strange feeling watching the children perform their nightly routine that I had never seen before. It involved several different prayers and the three year old, Peter, was required to know his prayers on his own. Leeann also asked that I start saying prayers with them. I remember seeing Leeann, several times a day praying. On Sunday it was required that I go to church with them, and she prayed the whole way there out loud in the car. Attending church that morning was very hard for me, I mean what 15 year old likes church anyway? It was like nothing I had ever seen before, and it was full of ritual, and prayers, and chants. I was lost in the sea of people chanting, it was a moment for me I remember, and I remember the feeling I got from it. Leeann talked about the saints to me on the way back to the house, and I knew at that point, that she was trying to turn me Catholic. It came time for our journey to begin. We were going to leave the city of Denton, and drive to Dallas, to pick up Leeann’s sister, so that she could make the trip with us, it was a long drive to Alaska.

   The day we left for our trip I was uneasy and nervous. My package of clothing my mother was to send had not arrived yet, so I had almost nothing with me. Leeann assured me that someone was going to be picking up her mail, and would forward the package to where we were so that I would be clothed. I was also anxious about a week long trip in a car with five other people. Leeann made sure that each one of us children was equipped with a special necklace, and that we all had cards with a protection prayer on them, in our belongings. Leeann was also equipped with a rosary, and a bracelet with special praying beads and saints on it. We picked up Leeann’s sister at the Airport in Dallas, “Lana” was her name. From the second I saw Lana, I knew I did not like her, there was something about her, an evil. We stopped at some friends of Leeann’s there in Dallas for dinner. They seemed like very kind people, and were very generous, looking back, I wish I could have seen things as they were, but I was after all only 15 years old.  I now can remember how I was moved from one room to another, and people would get quite when I entered the room, one can’t help but think that they are then talking about you when this occurs. I remember feeling strange, like something bigger was going on, but I didn’t know what it  was. I went to Leeann that night and I told her that I was sorry, but that I didn’t want to go anymore. I had a bad a feeling, and I just wanted to go home. I suggested that on their way, they could in fact drop me off at my home in Oklahoma. Leeann tried to comfort me, and assure me that everything was fine and great, and that the trip would be over before we knew it, and then also tried to guilt me at the same time, using the things that she had bought for me as a reason I should go. I agreed to continue on the trip, even though I did not want to.

   Now we really were ready to start our journey, so we loaded up in the Expedition, and hit the highway.

Friday, May 1, 2009

My week, and the mother hating, baby hating Nazi nurse

Have not written in a few, this of course is because I have been so busy, and it seems as if everyone is pulling me in different directions at all times.

We saw our midwife this week, and all is well. The baby is growing just fine, very active, and getting big. I only have 17 weeks left. Amazing how time flies, and I thought this second pregnancy was going to take forever, lol. SO I have pretty much come to the conclusion that we are having a girl. I don't know this for fact but, well it's just a hunch, I was right with Patrick.

So anyway, all I want to do now, now that I have finally convinced myself that she is a she, is go out and buy baby stuff. Sheesh, what does a girl do, the not knowing for sure has been so hard for me, of course Jerry is happy as can be, and I really suspect he loves seeing me squirm every so often in agony over the fact I don't know, lol. Conspiracy??? Lol, nope, just me being a freak.

Went to a breastfeeding seminar at the hospital, learned some really disturbing things, gosh, I so made the right choice not to see an OB here or birth here. The seminar was led by a woman who works for Presbyterian Health Care, blah, blah, blah. I had mixed feelings on the meeting, and was really disappointed in the hospital staff who works on the maternity care ward. Needles to say I was once accused of being unfit due to the fact that I want to have a home birth and I'm not seeing an OB. God forbid I actually take the authority over my own body and trust in its ability to make and deliver a baby. It's only happened for the last 2000+ years, who heck do I think I am to just assume that nature will take it's course? Lol! Really, because I don't have a man in my crotch every month, and I don't have blood drawn, and diabetic testing, and constant track of my weight, I'm looked at like a ani-doctor, hippy loving freak. You know what though, I am a hippy loving freak! A home birth is way more safe than a hospital birth for so many reasons, I can not believe how brain washed women in society are. They woman, Nurse, aka, "woman and baby hating Nazi", in response to me admitting freely that I was planning a home birth, gave me the third degree. What? Are you doing it at home? With who? Are you going to Texas? You might as well go to the birthing center in Roswell. I informed the  "mother hating, baby hating Nazi", that I had done my research and I was confident in my choice for my child. He reply...lol, "Well I hope you know what you are doing because I have seen plenty of ruptured uterus's". I wish I would have had the urge to vomit at that moment, because I would have done so, on her, lol. Not really now. I have enough faith and confidence in my decision that her words did not make me "feel" and different.