My Alaska Experience Part 3

 So here we are, parked at a gas station, I need to use the bathroom, and the “privilege”, has been denied by a big old slap in the face, literally. How does one respond to this? After Lana had hauled off and violated me, she seemed to have a, “Uhh” moment. It was apparent to me already on this trip that this woman was a through and through control freak, and any defiance was punishable. After Lana hit me, I unlocked my door, and went to the bathroom. I could still see the cartoon like steam coming out of her ears as I looked back. I went into the bathroom to do my business, and sat there, and then I started crying. I felt abused, violated, hated, and like a prisoner. How could this be happening? I had a moment of panic in the bathroom, where I thought, If I could just find a marker I could leave a note like in a movie, with a big HELP! On it. But alas, markers are not something just lying around in a gas station bathroom. So I did the only thing I thought I could do, suck it up, and get back into the car. Lana of course had decided that the best interaction with me, would be intimidation, and to put fear in me. She put down her mirror, and would look at me giving me evil squinted eyed looks. I remember trying not to take it as a big deal, is she serious? Making faces at me, did eventually start to freak me out.

   We were driving through the night until we hit Idaho, and we decided to camp for the night. Leeann had one of those big giant carriers strapped to the top of the expedition with all of our stuff in it. She unloaded everything and then I got my orders. “ Michelle, can you help the kids set up there tents?” “Sure”, I replied. So I set up two tents on my own, rolled out sleeping bags, and now maybe I could get mine set up. Wait…I did not have a tent. Lana had a tent, Leeann had a tent. Abigail and Peter had a tent they were sharing, and Ethan had his own. Of course I asked, where am I sleeping, and Lana, the comic she was, said…”Back in Oklahoma preferably.” Ugh! I was invited on this trip, and yet she behaved as if I were some burden or tag along that they could not get rid of. I ended up sleeping with Abigail, Peter and Ethan bunked together, so everyone was under cover. The next morning I got up before everyone else and took myself on a little walk up to the bathrooms, there in our little camping park. I used the bathroom, something that should not be denied to anyone. And then I spotted the pay phone. I had a some change on me, so I called home. I could not wait to be able to tell someone what the heck was going on. The phone rang…..and rang again. “Hello?” My sister had answered. “Is mom there?” I asked. “No”. She replied in a mean way. At this point I felt like I just needed to shrivel up and die. I was having this horrible trip, and I just needed to talk to someone who loved me and could tell me it will be okay, or oh my god, or something. But instead once again I was treated like it was a burden for me to be calling my own home, and then…it got worse. “What the hell do you want Michelle?” she asked. “Gosh, I just wanted to see if mom was there, and I need someone to talk to cause things are not going well and……” “You’re such a slut! No one wants’ to talk to you.” My sister says and then she hangs up. Well, wasn’t that nice? The icing on the cake as they say, and I felt completely alone. As I stood there in shock, watching other campers pack up and leave I thought of asking a family to take me with them, I knew however that this would not work unless I was bleeding or it was apparent that I was in some danger. Lana then came walking up the hill, spouting off something to me along the line of me running off and having no respect. I was in line of sight, so for me it was more just more nonsense.

    We packed up, or I should say I did. Lana got on me first thing, as well as Leeann. It was my job to break down the kids tents, roll up their sleeping bags, and then walk all three of them to the bathroom where I was to make sure that they were dressed, hair combed, and teeth brushed. Of course as you can imagine for anyone, this would be a task, and for me, I thought we were doing well, that is until Lana stormed into the restroom. With a grumpy face, (which she never seemed to loose, really) she said, “It’s time to go. Let’s get moving.” And then continued  on by asking me why one child still had not brushed their teeth, and what could possibly take so long, and you can’t do anything right. I remember her walking out, and me just balling to myself on the inside. “I guess your right Lana, I can’t do anything right.” Is what I thought to myself. And to top it all off, I still had to get ready. Lana made it clear what a lousy job I did on the kids. They had just woken up, were half asleep, looked like it, and we had one mirror, and one sink, the children had to take turns brushing their teeth. Lana griped and moaned about how long everything was taking so I gave up, as I only felt like I could, otherwise I would never hear the end of it. So I threw my hair up in a rubber band, dirty, smelly, and greasy faced, I climbed back into the expedition. After all, everyone was waiting on me! Then we left, starting on our way into a little town nearby. For the life of me I can not remember the name of the town but believe it was a something Springs, or Valley. We spent maybe and hour looking through some shops in a small shopping center in the square. Lots of fancy, expensive, overpriced things. There was a fountain inside this building with a little stream, this is where I spent most of that hour. I was trying to get grips on reality, but sadly was having a hard time doing so, due to all of the inner conflict. We used the bathroom, loaded up, and once again were on the road. Things remained pretty steady and uncomfortable for me. Leeann and Lana would talk up front, and look at me in their mirrors. I would hear Leeann praying all of the time. I did not sleep like the others in the car, I couldn’t, and would wake up and watch Leeann driving, and going over every beads on her rosary, repeatedly for hours.

   As we continued up North, I spent a lot of time looking out my window, and watching all of the amazing things. The mountains and streams, the hills and snow, the enormous trees, and the roads that would wined all the way up or down those hills and mountains, and the wildlife.

   It was night, and I was sleeping, and I woke up to sound of talking and breaks, and I could feel the car stopping, and going. We were just about to enter Canada, and were at the port of entry, my heart was filled with terror. They did there walk around the vehicle, and I could here the man talking with Leeann. “Who is in the vehicle with you?” he asked. “My sister, and my children.” That was it! I wanted to scream at that point and say “She’s lying, I am not her child.” She lied. At this point things really were not that bad, but you have to understand that I did want to get away. I did feel like a prisoner. You could slice threw the tension and intimidation in that car with a knife like butter. I felt it, and that’s why I wanted away so badly, I knew things could only really get worse. So with that one little tiny lie, no checking of papers, of passports or anything at all, this woman was allowed to take me out of the U.S. with no problems whatsoever. As soon as we crossed that line, I felt certain doom, I was no longer in the U.S. and that was scary to me. I leaned my head against my window, with my pillow tucked underneath, and cried to myself until I fell asleep. When I awoke a couple of hours later we were still driving and the country was magnificent.

   Canada was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. They had tall fences along the highways so as to help prevent animals coming onto the road. I saw a black bear. I saw the streams and forests. I saw the cliffs and waterfalls, and mountains. I drew lots of pictures in my sketch pad. We got to a place as we were coming near Banff, where the streams running along the road were no longer brown, or green, but had turned to turquoise and there was steam rising off of them. I was in amazement and to me, this was the most exotic place on earth, and I would love to live there. I asked Leeann about the steam and she explained to me that there were volcanoes in the area, and that the streams were in fact being heated. Soon we came into Banff.

   I would love to go back to Banff one day, really I would, what a great place. Leeann and Lana had decided this would be a good place to stop again and spend the day. It was a cold, cloudy, drizzling day in Canada. This town was so neat to me, and so foreign. We parked and walked the streets. Wow! Shops lined up along the side of the road as long as you could see. People everywhere, bikes everywhere. They had shops on the corners that you could rent a bicycle for the day to ride around on. It was so cool. I could smell coffee in the air from coffee shops. We went to the mall there. The mall was big like any other mall, Leeann and Lana had things they needed there. I don’t remember what, or even why we were there. We got a hot dog from the snack bar and sat there and ate. I was asked to sit with the kids while the two grown ups went and did their thing. I waited for them to come back so that I could make a phone call, I had to call home so bad, I needed to talk to me mother. I had not been able to call since Idaho, which seemed like two years ago, but was more like two days. I went off by myself into a little hallway around the corner to the public payphones. I had to figure out the French speaking payphone and then call home, I was already getting ready to cry before anyone even answered. The phone rang. “Hello”. It was my sister again. “ Hey, it’s Michelle, is mom there?” “Nope.” She replies.

“Do you know when she will be there?” I ask. “Nope!” she replies once again. So at this point because I am so desperate to talk to anyone, especially someone who loves me, I ask her what’s been going on. She then tells me she is busy and has to go. “Can you tell mom I called?” I ask. “Whatever!” my sister replies. I hung up the phone and stood there thinking to myself that I was in hell, but that I needed to just suck it up, feeling sorry for myself was not going to get me anywhere. I walked around the corner and saw everyone sitting at the table, having ice cream I believe. I remember seeing a clown juggler in the mall, that was kind of cool. After that we went into a store, I think it was like a Hallmark or something and I wanted to buy a postcard or something, but only had a couple dollars on me from my birthday, that was it. I did buy it though. Later on we went and looked at a big giant hotel there in Banff that looked like a castle or mansion. We made our way up to the natural hot springs. It was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. Here we were in the top of the mountains, it is lightly snowing overhead, but you are sitting in water that is so hot it’s almost boiling it seemed. It was like the size of a pool, and there were tons of people there. It was a really neat experience. That night we stayed in a hotel, it was nice. It had a kitchen, and living area with a fireplace, and a bedroom.

   The next day we were off again, and I was still completely filled with despair. I sat staring out the window. On our way through Canada we saw a baby moose crying on the side of the road, I am sure looking for his or her mother. I would skim my eyes across the tree lines looking for bear, and imagine I was some kind of a wild child living amongst them, Tarzan style.

   We drove on a winded road around a lake that was crystal clear and over it was the first triple rainbow I had ever seen. I remember how beautiful it was and the water in this pond was so clear, you could literally see the rainbow reflected in the water. I sketched it.  I really don’t remember much more until we hit Alaska, and even then, knew it would be a while until we reached our actual destination. I would like to think that I went into survival mode and was in and out of consciousness. More of the same, I can’t do anything right, don’t interrupt. I cried a lot on that trip, to myself. Lana noticed once, and made some comment about me being to old to cry. I can’t tell you how many times I thought on that trip about leaping from that car. If I do it exactly when, and if I tuck and roll, I could survive. But then again, I would be in the middle of nowhere and where would I go. I daydreamed about me hitchhiking home, or being rescued by the highway patrol.  Maybe if I jumped out once we made it into a town??? But how would I get home? What about my stuff? I have no money? I found many reasons and ways to talk myself out of jumping from that car, and I remember the sweaty palms of my hands holding onto the door handle, trying to work myself up enough to just let the door fly open.

   I remember when we came into Soldotna, and Leeann decided that it was food time, so she hit up a McDonalds drive threw. She asked the kids what they wanted, and then started to order. I looked confused. What about me? I was hungry. Why don’t I get food? Was I being punished for something? She knows I can’t pay for my own meal. Lana and Leeann, and the kids all had food and drinks. No food for me. I didn’t even ask, I couldn’t, how do you ask someone what about me, where’s my food, when it was obvious that for some reason she didn’t get any for me. I was starving. I asked the kids if I could have some fries, and Abigail shared with me. I could not, can not, even now believe what Leeann was doing, and at this point had no clue how much worse it was going to get.

   I believe the next stop we made was Lana’s house. Now, Lana was a disgusting woman to me. Her teeth were not right, she was overweight, she smelled, she wore plad and boots often, and she swore like a sailor. The cussing caught me off guard from the very beginning, because Leeann never swore around her children, and were sheltered from it in a since. We drove up a little windy road in woods, and came to a little cabin style house. Everyone unloaded, and Lana’s children came out of the house. I can’t even tell you how many there were, I just remember how rude they all were. We walked in the house and it was dark and dingy, and filthy. Kids running amuck, screaming, yelling, and holes in the wall. It was very uncomfortable for me and I could not wait to leave.

   Finally at some point we head off to Leeann’s mothers house with whom we would be staying with on this little adventure. We were greeted when we got there. It was tucked away back somewhere in god knows where. There was a barn, and there was a fence and horses. There were mountains in the background that were just stunning. I was glad that we had finally got to our destination, and I could finally begin counting down the return trip, and more than anything, I was glad we dropped off Lana, because at this point I knew I hated her. I wished her dead.