Goodnight Moon

Well it is that time, where we are ending our day, and soon will all be tucked into our beds. We had the threat of rain tonight which excited us all, since we pretty much have not had rain since fall of last year. It is very dry. The clouds blew in, the lightning flashed, and for a brief few minutes you could actually smell the rain, but it never came.

I am excited to be sharing some new things on the blog soon. Up until this point I have mostly given family updates, and goings on, but I have decided to be a little more creative. I do not posses a large vocabulary, and can not form sentences like some I envy. Oh how I wish I could put a perfectly worded, and interesting blog like some, but alas, it is not my talent. If it were not for spell check, blogging would be hopeless for me. What I do possess is along the more creative side. So I plan to blog more, and share my hopes, dreams, and thoughts with you interlaced with family news.

So for now, I bow out. I am sad the rain never came, but it is a beautiful cool night, and for that I am thankful for as well. Goodnight world. Goodnight Moon. Until tomorrow......

My Therapy

A few weeks ago I decided I really needed some "me" time. Time to think, time for quiet, time without children demanding things of me, or climbing all over me invading my personal space. Yes, I have some of the best children you will ever meet, but they are children with needs none the less. Being home 24/7 with them, I love, however, a girl needs a little time for quiet, time to reflect, meditate, or vent.

I decided I would take up running. I wanted to loose some weight, and tone my body, but mostly I wanted that time for myself. So I spoke with a friend who runs, and made a list of everything I needed to do it efficiently, and went shopping. I bought some Brooks shoes for running, and two running outfits. I bought and arm band so I could carry my ipod with me.

I started one evening around 8pm, when the sun was going down and it was cooling off from the hot day. I started out walking, and when I felt ready pushed myself to run. I was disappointed my first night running, ashamed I could not do much, but I knew I could build on that. I ran/walked for about 20 minutes, and then was exhausted, lol.

I started going three to four times a week. I loved the time, I loved the peace, I loved having the track to myself at that time of day, and I loved the energy boost and rush from it all. I loved it. I love it. I was now staying out there for 35 minutes, and running more than walking.

But then one evening I went like I had been, and I walked and I ran. I noticed when I ran that it was harder for me, that I almost had to push my body forward, and my feet were hitting so hard. By the time I got home I had realized that I had run to much, to hard, and I had injured myself, specifically my left knee.

I talked with my running friend who then told me that it sounded as if I were dehydrated, and needed to make sure I was keeping fluids in me, especially before a run. In the mean time, I was now dealing with a very painful injury, not knowing if I actually tore or broke something. I limped around the house for two weeks.

I am glad to report that whatever it is, has mostly healed. I was pretty scared thinking I may have to go see an orthopedic doctor and have an MRI on my leg, man did it hurt. So, I have not been running in two weeks. I have missed it so much, I miss my therapy!

The plan is to stay well hydrated, and walk, not run to start back out with, and see what happens, but my god, I can't wait to be back out there. So three cheers for healthy knees, and getting back out on the track, lol!!! Yip, Yip, Yip!!!!!!

It's Timmy's Birthday!!

On the 23rd will be Timothy's birthday. For those of you who do not know, he is one of my ex's children, he once was my step child, and to me....I was his mother. His mother was absent, and when he learned to speak, he called me mom, and his real mother by her name. He was my baby, and in spite of all the horror of my relationship with his father, for that brief time I had a baby, and he had a mother, and we loved each other as such. 

Through the years I wondered about Tim and his brothers, and since moving back to Clovis have made an effort to be available for them. Jerry is very understanding of this, and realizes that they are children, innocent, and always seeking love. We give when we can, and I know it may never be enough, but I believe it is better than none at all. These children have been through hell and back, more than once, and they have gone through and seen things children should never have too. My heart aches for them every day. Here is my letter for Tim on his birthday.  

Dear Tim,

                I remember the night your mother went into labor with you. It was a nice warm night.

 I remember the first time I met you, and how adorable and tiny you were. I could easily say that I fell in love with you rather quickly.

Soon after you were born, your father and I were living with your grandma and grandpa and every now and then your mother would leave you over night. We didn’t have any baby stuff or a crib for you to sleep in, only a baby carrier, and I could not stand the idea of you in it alone all night in the floor, so you slept on my chest or in my arms.

I was there for your first words, Ball….and Light. You were so proud of yourself, and I remember standing in my mother’s house with you, holding you as you flipped the light switch on and off, over and over again, saying “Light” and surprised each time it came on, and each time it turned off. I was there when you began to crawl. I was there when you learned to walk.

I remember you as a small two year old who was so cuddly, and loved to be held. You loved to be read to, and would bring me books. I remember you at three, and how you would snuggle with me on the couch most evenings while we watched t.v.

You were a caring, loving, sweet little boy full of wonder and were always so affectionate. I will always remember you that way, as my little Timmy. You are such a wonderful part of my past, and you will always be dear to me and hold a special place in my heart, forever.

I know life has not been the most wonderful for you, and at times your childhood may seem like it has or had been stolen from you. My hope for you is that you do not let these things harden you, and make you hate the world. Instead I hope they give you strength, and teach you compassion. Having love and understanding for your fellow man is a great quality, and to learn humility……that is what a real man is made of.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you, all filled with love, and endless possibilities. You are such a wonderful child, and I love you with all my heart. I will always, and I want you to know, that I am so glad that you were born. I hope your day is special.

XOXO

 Happy  Birthday

Color in the sky

I love rainbows. I love the conditions you have to have in order to get a rainbow. I can not tell you when the last time this dry state had rain, especially a rainbow.

We recently went to Missouri, to see family and friends, and new babies that have been born into the family. It rained the entire time we were there, lol, oh Missouri rain. Everything was so lush and green, and all the spring dogwoods were in bloom, and the thunderstorms were wonderful. The day after we arrived, on Jerry and I's anniversary, we are got together at Jerry's sisters house for dinner. It had been raining most the day, and in the evening the clouds cleared just a bit, and the rain became a sprinkle and there was a rainbow. It made me feel like it was just for me. Here are some photos from that evening.

Her

I miss her..... She has been on my mind daily. I wonder where she is, if she is okay, if she is happy or sad. I wonder if she feels all alone, and that makes my heart so sad for her. Feeling like you have no one in the world, feeling so alone can be such a dark place, I have been there, and I hate to think that, that is where she may be. I hope that she knows that no matter what I will always love her, and no matter what she will always have family that is willing to be there for her. I hope one day she finds the strength to put aside her anger and hate and let those who love her in. Her being completely absent from our lives has been so hard, much like a death, and the one it has effected the most is Patrick. Patrick always talks of her, and says how much he misses her, and it is so sad that she has chosen to distance herself from even him. She can call at any time to speak with him, I would never keep the two apart, and made sure I asked her before she left that she would stay in contact. I hope she knows that she can reach out, and for whatever reason she has not, I hope she can work past it.


I wish her nothing but Peace, inside her mind and body.
I wish her nothing but love, that she feels it, so much she wants to share it, and accept it.
I wish her happiness.
I wish her success.
I wish her strength.
I wish her self confidence.
I wish her good health.
I wish her courage to discover new things about the world and herself.
I wish for her the feeling of wholeness.