Lucky Me

Well, hello there.

I am here once again to brag about my life and my kids, because they are both great you know.

It is 8:03am on a Saturday morning, and I feel as if I should still be in bed, but I am not. I woke up with a headache, but hopefully after a little light exercising and a cup of coffee that will fade, if not theres always Tylenol.

I was sitting on my front porch drinking my cup of coffee, watching the monitor, waiting for Norah to move, wake, cry, when like a wave, peace, contentment, and happiness came over me, and I smiled.

I have days yes, where I would rather claim someone else's life, but most of the time I am perfectly fine with my own. I am thankful for so many things.

 I love my husband. I mean really love him, lol. He gets me. Even when I am crazy, complicated, and don't make any sense at all, he still knows exactly how to handle "me". He loves me no matter what. I love that I can count on him. If I am having a bad day, I can call Jerry at work, and he will listen, or talk me down. He is supportive, and understanding almost always. I love that I can go to him with a problem, or ask him for help, and he hears me, and tries to help me more. I know I am loved by him in so many ways, but the most special and important way right now, is that he is my rock, my friend, my father, my debate partner, my lover, the father of my wonderful children, and my husband. He is my support, he knows what I need emotionally and he does his best to fill that need, he knows I need security, and he tries his best to make sure I feel secure in every way. I feel so lucky, so blessed, so chosen, to have my Jerry. Jerry and I were brought together by a force greater than us, and I am so grateful that he was put in my life path. Thank you Jerry, for being the man of my dreams.

I am thankful for my two beautiful children. I can not imagine my life without them.

Norah is so full of life. She amazes me in every way. I have so many hopes for her for her life. She is interested in everything. She loves to be outside, and right now her favorite thing outside is bugs! She loves rollie-pollie's! She laughs and claps and squeals at the bugs, and points and says "Bu", "Bu" for bug. Norah wakes up happy everyday, she smiles, and laughs, and loves on me. There is nothing better than the love from a child, and nothing better than waking up with her every day.

Patrick is my fantasy child. I love how he pretends...constantly. He changes clothes 10 times a day, and pretends he is someone different with each outfit change. He is usually eager to help with anything, and can be easily persuaded to do my bidding, (being picking up after himself). Patrick is, without a doubt, the best big brother ever. He is so good with Norah, and helps me with her so much. He is so sweet, and loving, and I feel so lucky to have him as one of my children.

I don't know how it works, but sometimes I feel like my kids chose me for a reason, and that we all deserve each other. I have so many good hopes and dreams for my children and family. I love them so much, and they are all my favorites.

My climber!

Norah is climbing, everything!

Yesterday she was climbing on to Patrick's bed. The day before she was climbing into this little red chair, and later in the evening Jerry watched her climb onto the coffee table, lol. She is trying to climb anything and everything. Patrick did not do this until later, and honestly I am a little freaked out that she is already doing this. She is so small, and not walking yet. Anyway, here she is at lunch the other day, she climbed into the red chair, and she was so proud of herself, she was clapping, and squealing, and was just boasting with pride, lol. Thats my girl!

My Kiddo's

I can not imagine my life without my kids.

Patrick is the best big brother ever, and I know as the two get older, he will be there to protect, pick on, and love his little sister.

I always wished I had a big brother, I was the oldest.

I love it that my daughter has a big brother, to lead, to comfort, and entertain her.

Patrick has always been more serious, a thinker, than care free, and that is okay, that is who he is. But occasionally, and more frequently now that he is older, I can get him to show me his silly side, and he loves to.

My kids really like each other, and I love that. They get along most days, and play well together. Now that Norah is a little bigger, they can roll around in the floor together. Norah thinks that everything her big brother does, is the absolute coolest and funniest thing ever. Patrick loves to make her laugh and giggle, and when she is in a good mood, it's not hard to do.

Every time we go anywhere, people make comments about how much Patrick and Norah look alike. I know they do, but sometimes I can't help but think they say that because of their ears, lol.

I love my kids to death, with all of my heart. Yes, we have days where everyone is cranky and we don't get along so well, but who doesn't? They bring me so much joy. They make my heart happy. They make me feel alive. And I would not trade them for anything. I mean it! They entertain the crap out of me, and each one of them does something everyday that makes me smile, or that makes me proud. I think have have really great kids, and thank God for them all of the time.

There has been "controversy" in the media this week about the taboo question of parenting. Are parents actually happy? Do children make you happy?

I really have been surprised by what I have heard lately. I imagine I will blog about it at another time and share my thoughts on the subject. But for now.........will leave it alone.

All about Norah

Tonight will be a late night. Norah's evening nap went a little late today, and now at 11pm she is still revved up and going, going, gone, lol.


I thought that since it is just her and I this evening, that I would blog about her. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my baby girl?


She is something else. I have never met a child like her, and she is so different from Patrick in every way.
Norah, always wakes up Happy!  I love co-sleeping with her, it brings me great joy. Jerry is gone in the mornings most of the time when I get up, but I always have a sweet, smiling face greeting me each morning. There truly is no better way to start off the day.


Norah loves to make funny sounds, and thinks she has some kind of gift, she takes great pride and joy in the discovery of a new sound she can make with her mouth.


I love how excited she gets about everyday things. She will laugh and giggle over nothing.


She loves to clap, and dance, and she loves music. We have one of those leap frog refrigerator magnet things, lol, and if you put a letter or number in it tells you what it is, and if you press the red button, it sings the ABC's. Norah loves to press that little red button, and she moves her mouth and sings like she is singing the abc's right along with it. It is so cute watching her prepare herself, and she just can't wait to start clapping along.


Norah has learned to stand alone, and claps for herself.


Tonight Jerry got out of the shower, I has holding Norah on one hip, and I came up behind Jerry to rub his neck, and head, and to love on him. She watched, and then she turned towards me, and took both hands and started stroking my head, gently, from the top, all the way down. She is not even 1 years old, but she fully understood that I was loving on Jerry, and then turned to show me the same form of affection. She is so small, but constantly taking in everything, learning, thinking, growing. It astonishes me every single day.


I put my bedroom wall mirror in the living room floor today, and as I sat at my laptop in the kitchen, checking my facebook page for the third or fourth time during the day, I caught Norah making faces at herself and fake crying, watching her reflection. It was something really neat to watch. I already thought she was a pro with the fake crying and her faces, but apparently they needed some fine tuning.


Norah is full of life. She loves to snuggle, and she loves to roll around in the covers. She is strong, and sensitive. She is perfect, and I love her so much. I adore her personality, and her mannerisms. I like her a lot, and I think she likes me to :) She will forever be my baby girl, and I will never, ever stop being her mommy.

BUBBALou Bands Giveaway

I had to blog about this giveaway on another blog. It increases my chances to win, lol. I am all up for free stuff. As some of you know, I have been trying to kreep my way into photography, and I am specializing in pregnancy and newborns. On of these would be perfect for my newborn photography, and even absolutely adorable on my baby girl

So her it is.

http://thismamarazziphotoblog.blogspot.com

The giveaway is for one of these adorable BUBBALou Bands

You can find her Etsy store here

http://www.etsy.com/shop/bubbaloubands

And you can find them here on facebook

http://www.facebook.com/pages/BUBBALou-Bands/139024562777380?v=photos#!/pages/BUBBALou-Bands/139024562777380?v=wall

My little Piggy

Norah loves me playing "This little piggy" with her toes.

Norah, being Norah, lol. She is exploring everything, crawling or standing. She is walking while holding on to everything. She has been doing laps around the coffee table. For the last two weeks she has been letting go, and standing on her own. Of course she is not standing long, she gets so excited and proud of herself that she starts clapping and then falls, lol. She is way cute, at least I think so. :)

It appears that Norah has Blue eyes. I have been in denial for a while I suppose, believing they would be green like Patrick's, but hers are so light, with a dark ring around the outside. Some days they seem kinda green, so I guess they may he labeled as a hazel. In any event, they are stunning, and everywhere we go, her eyes are the first thing people comment about.

Norah is going on 11 months old. I can not believe how fast the time goes by. It is almost supernatural.

Norah waves and says Hi. She is also doing Hi5's which I think are supper cute. She is saying mama and dada, she shakes her head yes and no when you ask her a question as well. I have begun teaching her baby sign language and she seems to get a kick out of me making all of the signs to her when I am talking.

Norah loves music, and she claps and dances.

Norah loves the pool, and she got a kick out of the fireworks show.

Tae-kwon-do

Patrick has been to two classes so far. He loves it.

Patrick is in Little Dragons, for ages 5-7.

They start out class by doing some warm up exercises like jumping jacks, sit ups, toe touches and jump roping. Then they move on to learning their stances, arm movements and kicks. He is

really loving it. Here are a few pictures of his first class.

Aa-The very beginning of our Home-school adventure

We are starting our homeschooling. Patrick turned 5 in June, and as soon as we hit the end of August he is required to go to school.

Some may think, especially with all of the other things I do with the kids, that I am just as crazy as they thought, lol, but I have my reasons.

We have decided to home-school for the following reasons.

a)Patrick is not vaccinated, he had reactions to the first two sets, therefore, we did not finish his vaccinations and we would be indefinitely harassed for this decision when having Patrick in the public school system. We can get a waver, however, the school system treats parents like criminals and the children as if they were diseased in situations like this.

b)The school system here sucks.

The last years review of the public school system, and the academic rating was some of the lowest in the country. Out of 13 schools in Clovis, I believe that

10 failed to meet all of the requirements. The schools here are underfunded, under staffed, and frankly I know I can teach my child more, and more efficiently than the school system can.

c) Kindergarten is now all day. ALL DAY! From 8-3. That is 7 hours away from your child. I have known three sets of parents who have pulled their children from kindergarten for multiple reasons. Their complaints were that it was too long, the children were irritable and exhausted at the end of the day, the teachers were isolating, and humiliating their children, and one parent

compared the kindergarten to a prison camp for children. No talking, expectations beyond 5 year old capabilities, and only one recess for the entire 7 hours.

d)And lastly, the Attachment Parenting mother in me just won't allow it. Patrick is a sweet, sensitive, highly gifted child, and I know, without a doubt he would be crushed, and humiliated, and guided into the same little box with all of the other children. There is no "unique", there is no

"individuality". Patrick is highly imaginative, and I know that this would be stomped out of him, his desire to create, to learn, to ask questions and get answers. As an ap parent my job has been to protect my child from things that may hurt him, and his spirit and curiosity would most

defiantly be in jeopardy in the school system. I am a stay at home mother, and my dedication is to my children, my job does not stop at age 5, where I can ship him off for 7 hours. At the cost of

what? No thank you.

So we are homeschooling. He can learn more from me, how he needs to, how he learns, at his pace. We will be joining a home-school co-op so that we can be involved with other children, activities, field trips and sports should he choose to be involved. We just started him in Tae-kwon-do, and he is loving the socializing and activity. The homeschooling laws here seem pretty easy. I have to register our home-school each year, and I have to file a vaccination exemption form once a year. Then just keep all of his work, calendar, and info in a file should the state choose to come in and check our progress.

Patrick is excited to start, and we have been, "unofficially" doing some home-school already. He is excited to be learning his letters and his name among other things. Here are a few example of some of the things we have been doing.

Every day we are learning the days of the week, and the order they go in. We also check the weather and change it for each day.

For our first week, we are focusing on the letter Aa. Each day we do something different. We talk about A through the day, we rhyme A, we find A wherever we are, we sound out A,

and do activities that start with the letter A, or eat food that starts with the letter A.

Patrick has been learning to write the letter A, and his own name. It will take practice and time, but he will get it. I am so proud of his efforts.

And we read a story about the letter we are working on. He loves the little stories about each letter so far.

Lost.......or Found?

Well, it seems like I make it on here about every 2 weeks, lol. It is so hard for me to find the time. Norah is mobile now, and needs a lot of watching, and Patrick needs constant attention. The only time I really have a chance to be on here is when the baby is down for a nap, and thats if I don't have 70 other things to do while she sleeps.

I am organizing my life, day by day, and feel like I am making improvements. Hopefully I will have made a lot of progress by the next time I write. I have lot's to say, and I think it would be really great for me to use this blog to express myself as well as updates for family. I am so behind.......Cheers to catching up!

Rockin' Green Give Away

Contest going on, on Facebook for a free bag of Rockin' Green laundry detergent.

Contest rules here. http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=124&post=1072&uid=124474000903257#!/topic.php?uid=124474000903257&topic=124

Check out the website as well for Happy Baby Company

http://www.happybabycompany.com

Super Mom

I felt like Super mom today. I got a ton done today.

Patrick woke up with a fever of 103.9 so I called the doctors office. They informed me they could squeeze me in today, but it had to be in the next 30 minutes. So, we diaper changed, got dressed, shoes, diaper bag, drinks, and out the door by 10:20 with 10 minutes to spare to get to the Dr's. office.

Patrick is so cute, even with a high temp he sat patiently in his chair in the waiting room, swinging his feet and singing to himself. He loves people and the attention he gets from them. He knows he is adorable. We get into the patient room and Patrick explains to the nurse all of his symptoms, leaving little for me to explain. Cool! Our doctor comes in, (she's fantastic) and humors him, and empathizes with how rotten he feels and tells me he seems to have the symptoms of STREP. Really? How? We have not been anywhere, or around anyone, but regardless he is ill.

We got his prescription, got a copy of Norah's medical records (for her birth certificate) and off to the Medicine Shoppe to fill the script. Then we rush to McDonald's, yes McDonald's. Patrick was convinced it was the only thing that would make him feel better, and I was hungry so I gave in, lol. We went home and ate.

Norah fell asleep long enough for me to do some research on the computer for the AP meeting tomorrow, Patrick laid snuggled on the couch watching the Disney channel.

Once Norah woke up it was back to the Medicine Shoppe to get the script, then to the theatre to get a list of the free movies for the summer.

Loaded Patrick up on Amox. and Motrin, finished my research, made dinner, ate, played put Norah down for a late nap, had some wine........and now I am heading towards bed shortly, once Norah decides she is ready to go. All in all, it was a busy day and a lot got done.

Blog

I suck at blogging.

I don't think anyone even reads besides my mother.

Who cares.

In the words of my almost five year old, "I am having a bad day."

No real reason, I just am.

It's not one thing in particular........it's everything, lol.

I have everything and I want everything.

I have nothing...and I want everything.

I feel blessed most days, but some I don't.

Wish I was witty, or a poet.

I am a mother.

My Story of Spousal Abuse part2

I don't remember exactly when or why I was hit for the first time, but I know we were at my ex husbands parents house. I do remember the look on his face. I do remember how I felt inside and it was like he was holding my heart in his hand and stabbed it right in front of me. I cried.

I didn't leave.

He apologized and begged for forgiveness and once again professed his undying love for me. I forgave him. We were together for a very long four years. Over the course of this four years things continued to get worse. Of course it was years a go so I don't remember every day or detail, but I will list the ones that I do.

After we moved in with my ex's parents, he began becoming more controlling, about everything. Everyday was a challenge for me, to please him, to not do anything to upset him, and then start it all over again the next day. I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 17, school was starting, naturally I would have started my Junior year, but he was afraid that I would leave him. He did not want me to go to school and be around other boys all day. He begged, I still wanted to go, he threatened, I told him I still wanted to go, and this is when he beat me for the first time. Again, I will never forget the look of his face. I was as if he had checked out, and someone else had checked in. His face, eyes, everything would change. I remember the fist blow, to my right arm. I leaned over and tried not to cry, as I looked up, almost in slow motion I saw him raise his leg to kick me, and BAM, I was down. He then walked up to me, leaned over and punched me two more times in the side. He then kicked me, and then said "Do something!" He said this as a threat, as a taunt, do something I dare you. I just sat there and cried. His parents were there, they heard the whole things and did nothing.

After he would hurt me, of course I would be mad, and horribly depressed and distraught, but he would say things to me like; I'm sorry girl, I love you so much, why do you make me have to get like that". So in my head, even though I knew it was not my fault, I heard his words, and I guess on some level I believed that I was somehow provoking him. I tried so hard not to do anything, because if I did something the wrong way, to loud, not fast enough, I was gonna get it.

If we were in public and he could not hit me, he would pinch and squeeze me. This action causes lovely bruises in places no one can see.

You ever hear the saying, "I love you so much I would die for you"? Well he had his own twist he would tell me all the time. "I love you so much, I would kill you." His motto literally was, if I can't have you, no one can.

My Story of Spousal Abuse

In the past several weeks I have been in several conversations about different kinds of abuse. Child abuse and and drug abuse. My aunt just finished a class where she became aware that there are in fact 21 different kinds of abuse. I have experienced many different kinds, but recently I have been reflecting on the abuse I encountered with my first husband. Yes, I was married before.

When I was 16 I met a man at the local restaurant we both worked at. I was a waitress and he was a cook. My job starting out at this restaurant was called the FC or Food Coordinator. It was my job to stand at the window, look at the tickets and food, and arrange the orders on trey according to seating. My other obligation was to make sure the food was pretty and presentable. I don't think it took to long before I was getting crap from the kitchen staff for sending food back because the mac and cheese looked old, or there was something wrong with the corn. One fellow in particular loved to give me a hard time and give my looks from behind the counter.

As time went by, this so called fellow and I became friends of sorts. He was dating a friend of mine, and I secretly crushed on him for some time. He seemed nice, friendly, and funny, and I liked to be around him. We soon started dating and all seemed well for a while. He helped build up my self esteem, always telling me how attractive and beautiful I was. He bought me my first pair of thong underwear, lol. He bought me pretty clothes, and took me places to meet his friends. He loved to show me off to anyone who would look, and he made me feel special. At 16, what girl wouldn't? he moved into my mothers home with us, and became a live in boyfriend.

Right before my 17th birthday, I found out that this dream man of mine was cheating on me, and it was with the friend that he had dated before me. The signs were there, but I ignored them until it was undeniable it was going on. I had noticed him staying out later, claiming to be at his friends, but I would find out he had not been there. This girl that was my friend came to me and told me she was sleeping with him. One morning I got up to run some errands with him and got into the car where there were two McDonalds cups in the cup holders. She worked at McDonalds. I then knew his late nights were being spent with her. I confronted him, and he denied it. The next sign was that this girlfriend of mine wanted to go to the mall and do some shopping. It was just going to be the two, because she needed him to take her. I let them know that I needed something as well and that I would be coming. She was pissed that I took the front seat, next to my boyfriend. I ended up not going, for what reason I don't know, I think at that point I gave up. Things slowed down a bit after that for about a week or two, and then I had a visitor. My girlfriend was living with a family, and one of them members of the family came by to show me an envelope of portraits from JcPenny's that the two, my boyfriend and my girlfriend had taken together. This was the first sign of a lier, and a cheater among other things. This was the first time I had really ever been betrayed, and I said I was done with him. Then he pulled something out of his bag of tricks that I would not know until years later, was like every other abuser there is out there and that he would use on me for the rest of our relationship.

Because of the proof of the cheat I had in my hand there was no way he could deny it, all he could now do was to plead and beg for forgiveness, and proclaim his never ending love for me. Tell me how he needed me, and could not live without me, that he would die without me. I took him back and forgave him. Knowing what I know now, this was the first thing that told him, "It is okay to abuse me." There was a big blow up at my home, and my mother gave us an ultimatum, either he moves out and we break up, or we get married. So we got married. Good reason to get married right, lol.

After this betrayal, we went back into I guess what they call the honeymoon faze. Everything was fin for a while, and then we had to move in with his parents. When we moved into his parents home that is when things changed drastically.....to be continued.........

A list of my abuse by my husband.

Things That You did to me:

You lied

You Cheated

You told me it was my fault

You said no one else would ever love me

You called me damaged goods

You called me fat

You called me Ugly

You yelled and scrame at me

You told me you would leave me if I got fat

You accused me of dishonesty

You accused me of cheating

You Isolated me

You kept me without a car or phone

You hated my family and wouldn't let me visit

You;

Hit me

Punched me

Kicked me in the floor

Pulled me by my hair

Body slammed me

Pushed me

Choked me

Threw things at me

Pinched me

Twisted my skin

Ripped my clothing off of my body

Slapped me

You Raped me

You mocked me

You hurt me in front of your Children

You called me Names

You Spit at me

You said you would kill me

You threatened my Family

You called me Crazy

You told me what to wear

You told me who I could and couldn't talk to

You told me who I could and couldn't look at

You made fun of me

You cut me down in front of others

You tried to Suffocate me

You tried to Stab me

You shot your gun at me

You held me hostage

You put me in the hospital

I could have died

To busy to type

I have come to the very real conclusion that I don't have a lot of time for things like blogging. I want to blog, I would love to, but the truth is......I am busy. Incredibly busy. Because of how busy I am, it keeps me from actually spending the time in front of the keyboard and writing about the things I really want to write about. I would love to write about my family for one, that is one of the main reasons I am here. I still owe my sister a Christmas video and have not even made the time to upload Thanksgiving photos. I am going to have to take it one day at a time. Perhaps I can set aside a small period of time for the computer to blog...of course there is no guarantee that this will happen.

I live my life on a moments notice. I really do try to plan and be organized, and this works some of the time, but we are also AP parents. This means we are child led, and it means that at any given time of the day I am at the beckon call of my children. I give them what they need, when they need it. Sometimes it is a pain in the butt, but it is the sacrifice I am willing to give to have my children he happy and secure. How nice would it be if all of us as children has the security of knowing mom and dad are there, to know in your mind without a doubt that your parents love you, and will not leave you or hurt you? I think it would have been amazing and this is what occupies my time with my kids right now. Answering every question I can, fixing every scrape, kissing every tear, and answering every cry. I love loving my babies and I love more than anything that thy know they are loved. They know! Patrick is going on five, and I can't seem to wrap my head around that. 5 is a big number for such a little boy. And I know that before I know it, Norah will be the same age. It goes by so fast, and so I am determined to give them all that I can in these few short years when it means the most. I would love to travel or continue my photography, or a million other things including blogging, but for now, the kids get my full attention.