Blog

I suck at blogging.

I don't think anyone even reads besides my mother.

Who cares.

In the words of my almost five year old, "I am having a bad day."

No real reason, I just am.

It's not one thing in particular........it's everything, lol.

I have everything and I want everything.

I have nothing...and I want everything.

I feel blessed most days, but some I don't.

Wish I was witty, or a poet.

I am a mother.

My Story of Spousal Abuse part2

I don't remember exactly when or why I was hit for the first time, but I know we were at my ex husbands parents house. I do remember the look on his face. I do remember how I felt inside and it was like he was holding my heart in his hand and stabbed it right in front of me. I cried.

I didn't leave.

He apologized and begged for forgiveness and once again professed his undying love for me. I forgave him. We were together for a very long four years. Over the course of this four years things continued to get worse. Of course it was years a go so I don't remember every day or detail, but I will list the ones that I do.

After we moved in with my ex's parents, he began becoming more controlling, about everything. Everyday was a challenge for me, to please him, to not do anything to upset him, and then start it all over again the next day. I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 17, school was starting, naturally I would have started my Junior year, but he was afraid that I would leave him. He did not want me to go to school and be around other boys all day. He begged, I still wanted to go, he threatened, I told him I still wanted to go, and this is when he beat me for the first time. Again, I will never forget the look of his face. I was as if he had checked out, and someone else had checked in. His face, eyes, everything would change. I remember the fist blow, to my right arm. I leaned over and tried not to cry, as I looked up, almost in slow motion I saw him raise his leg to kick me, and BAM, I was down. He then walked up to me, leaned over and punched me two more times in the side. He then kicked me, and then said "Do something!" He said this as a threat, as a taunt, do something I dare you. I just sat there and cried. His parents were there, they heard the whole things and did nothing.

After he would hurt me, of course I would be mad, and horribly depressed and distraught, but he would say things to me like; I'm sorry girl, I love you so much, why do you make me have to get like that". So in my head, even though I knew it was not my fault, I heard his words, and I guess on some level I believed that I was somehow provoking him. I tried so hard not to do anything, because if I did something the wrong way, to loud, not fast enough, I was gonna get it.

If we were in public and he could not hit me, he would pinch and squeeze me. This action causes lovely bruises in places no one can see.

You ever hear the saying, "I love you so much I would die for you"? Well he had his own twist he would tell me all the time. "I love you so much, I would kill you." His motto literally was, if I can't have you, no one can.

My Story of Spousal Abuse

In the past several weeks I have been in several conversations about different kinds of abuse. Child abuse and and drug abuse. My aunt just finished a class where she became aware that there are in fact 21 different kinds of abuse. I have experienced many different kinds, but recently I have been reflecting on the abuse I encountered with my first husband. Yes, I was married before.

When I was 16 I met a man at the local restaurant we both worked at. I was a waitress and he was a cook. My job starting out at this restaurant was called the FC or Food Coordinator. It was my job to stand at the window, look at the tickets and food, and arrange the orders on trey according to seating. My other obligation was to make sure the food was pretty and presentable. I don't think it took to long before I was getting crap from the kitchen staff for sending food back because the mac and cheese looked old, or there was something wrong with the corn. One fellow in particular loved to give me a hard time and give my looks from behind the counter.

As time went by, this so called fellow and I became friends of sorts. He was dating a friend of mine, and I secretly crushed on him for some time. He seemed nice, friendly, and funny, and I liked to be around him. We soon started dating and all seemed well for a while. He helped build up my self esteem, always telling me how attractive and beautiful I was. He bought me my first pair of thong underwear, lol. He bought me pretty clothes, and took me places to meet his friends. He loved to show me off to anyone who would look, and he made me feel special. At 16, what girl wouldn't? he moved into my mothers home with us, and became a live in boyfriend.

Right before my 17th birthday, I found out that this dream man of mine was cheating on me, and it was with the friend that he had dated before me. The signs were there, but I ignored them until it was undeniable it was going on. I had noticed him staying out later, claiming to be at his friends, but I would find out he had not been there. This girl that was my friend came to me and told me she was sleeping with him. One morning I got up to run some errands with him and got into the car where there were two McDonalds cups in the cup holders. She worked at McDonalds. I then knew his late nights were being spent with her. I confronted him, and he denied it. The next sign was that this girlfriend of mine wanted to go to the mall and do some shopping. It was just going to be the two, because she needed him to take her. I let them know that I needed something as well and that I would be coming. She was pissed that I took the front seat, next to my boyfriend. I ended up not going, for what reason I don't know, I think at that point I gave up. Things slowed down a bit after that for about a week or two, and then I had a visitor. My girlfriend was living with a family, and one of them members of the family came by to show me an envelope of portraits from JcPenny's that the two, my boyfriend and my girlfriend had taken together. This was the first sign of a lier, and a cheater among other things. This was the first time I had really ever been betrayed, and I said I was done with him. Then he pulled something out of his bag of tricks that I would not know until years later, was like every other abuser there is out there and that he would use on me for the rest of our relationship.

Because of the proof of the cheat I had in my hand there was no way he could deny it, all he could now do was to plead and beg for forgiveness, and proclaim his never ending love for me. Tell me how he needed me, and could not live without me, that he would die without me. I took him back and forgave him. Knowing what I know now, this was the first thing that told him, "It is okay to abuse me." There was a big blow up at my home, and my mother gave us an ultimatum, either he moves out and we break up, or we get married. So we got married. Good reason to get married right, lol.

After this betrayal, we went back into I guess what they call the honeymoon faze. Everything was fin for a while, and then we had to move in with his parents. When we moved into his parents home that is when things changed drastically.....to be continued.........

A list of my abuse by my husband.

Things That You did to me:

You lied

You Cheated

You told me it was my fault

You said no one else would ever love me

You called me damaged goods

You called me fat

You called me Ugly

You yelled and scrame at me

You told me you would leave me if I got fat

You accused me of dishonesty

You accused me of cheating

You Isolated me

You kept me without a car or phone

You hated my family and wouldn't let me visit

You;

Hit me

Punched me

Kicked me in the floor

Pulled me by my hair

Body slammed me

Pushed me

Choked me

Threw things at me

Pinched me

Twisted my skin

Ripped my clothing off of my body

Slapped me

You Raped me

You mocked me

You hurt me in front of your Children

You called me Names

You Spit at me

You said you would kill me

You threatened my Family

You called me Crazy

You told me what to wear

You told me who I could and couldn't talk to

You told me who I could and couldn't look at

You made fun of me

You cut me down in front of others

You tried to Suffocate me

You tried to Stab me

You shot your gun at me

You held me hostage

You put me in the hospital

I could have died

To busy to type

I have come to the very real conclusion that I don't have a lot of time for things like blogging. I want to blog, I would love to, but the truth is......I am busy. Incredibly busy. Because of how busy I am, it keeps me from actually spending the time in front of the keyboard and writing about the things I really want to write about. I would love to write about my family for one, that is one of the main reasons I am here. I still owe my sister a Christmas video and have not even made the time to upload Thanksgiving photos. I am going to have to take it one day at a time. Perhaps I can set aside a small period of time for the computer to blog...of course there is no guarantee that this will happen.

I live my life on a moments notice. I really do try to plan and be organized, and this works some of the time, but we are also AP parents. This means we are child led, and it means that at any given time of the day I am at the beckon call of my children. I give them what they need, when they need it. Sometimes it is a pain in the butt, but it is the sacrifice I am willing to give to have my children he happy and secure. How nice would it be if all of us as children has the security of knowing mom and dad are there, to know in your mind without a doubt that your parents love you, and will not leave you or hurt you? I think it would have been amazing and this is what occupies my time with my kids right now. Answering every question I can, fixing every scrape, kissing every tear, and answering every cry. I love loving my babies and I love more than anything that thy know they are loved. They know! Patrick is going on five, and I can't seem to wrap my head around that. 5 is a big number for such a little boy. And I know that before I know it, Norah will be the same age. It goes by so fast, and so I am determined to give them all that I can in these few short years when it means the most. I would love to travel or continue my photography, or a million other things including blogging, but for now, the kids get my full attention.

Hello?

Have not posted much, like none, lol. We have been so busy you know. New baby, holidays, work, hobbies, activities, and so on. Just letting someone know I am still here and promise to post more.

Catching up

I suppose it's about time to play catch up. things have been busy here. Norah turned 2 months old on the 29th of October, which is now over. I can hardly believe it is November already. We have been busy with our Attachment Parenting Meetings, Bible Study, decorating for the holidays, planning a trip for Thanksgiving, working, cleaning, Trick or Treating, a wedding, a trip to the zoo, shopping, having one car instead of two, and so much more. Updates:

Jerry: Working hard like always. I am convinced he is due for another raise. He has been working for SWC for a year now almost, busting his hide, learning all that he can, and is a dependable guy. He is the bomb you know?!? Jerry loves his job and can talk about what he does for hours if you let him. He has put in for his vacation, and we will be going to MO for Thanksgiving.

Patrick: Has been coloring like a crazy person. he has decided he is good at it, and really enjoys coloring. Patrick was Luke Skywalker for Halloween, and he was a cutie. Patrick loves his new baby sister and tells everyone he meets. Right now he is learning how to write his name and we are working on our numbers.

Norah: Is a nursing champ, and a chuncker, lol. She finally fits into her cloth diapers, and we love them. I think they make her happy as well. Norah has a little bit of a stuffed up nose, but is doing fine. She also has another case of thrush right now, but is handling it like a champ. I love her tons! her hair is growing back in up top, so that's exciting news around here as well.

As for me, well, I have my second cold since Norah was born. I am convinced that this is due to me not eating so well since she got here. I hate being sick. I photographed a wedding on October 31st, and that was a challenge. I pumped milk and had it frozen for Norah, but had never given her a bottle. I didn't know if she would take it, but she did, gladly, lol, so Jerry was able to feed her while I was away and there was no drama or a stressed out baby. Thank god! That wedding will help pay our trip to Missouri for Thanksgiving. have been working on my website, and attempting to get things together for the AP group I am running. Christmas is coming up, and I can't but help to begin thinking about it. I decided I need to start shopping now, and it won't break our bank... hopefully, lol.

That's it for now, I have lots of pics and stories to share and will soon.

Long time no see.....

So okay, don't chew me out, I have done enough of that for all of us. When are you going to post on your blog again? Okay, I am here, lol, I want to be here, I love to be here, it's just......2 kids now instead of one. Wow, I have been busy. manages to get in the paper twice in a weeks time. I have complete strangers recognizing me, weird. Okay, so catch up.

Patrick is traumatized from one of those scary videos online, where it seems harmless and then something scary and loud pops up and scars the bajezus out of you. Ya, thanks

Chris for that. He refuses to be in any room alone weather it is day or night. He will not pee alone, or do anything for himself because he is terrified. I can not blame him, I was watching the video too, and it scared the crap out of me. The thing is, it's really the first time he has ever been really scared. We are AP, we have tended to, and protected him for things that could harm him in any way. This is the first time I was really unable to do so, and he is now suffering from like post dramatic stress syndrome. Nightmares, and it's all he can talk about. I have been trying my absolute best to reassure and comfort him that there is no scary guy in our house. Ugh..I feel like a bad mother. Time for parental blocks on the computer.

Jerry has been working on a big project at work of some kind, don't ask me what it is

I have no clue, but he is working late tonight. Things have been looking better around here thanks to Jerry helping me tidy up.

Uh, we are planning a trip to Albuquerque soon, this month for a day of fun we promised Patrick. he really wanted to go to the zoo and aquarium, and we promised that after the baby got here, so we are going the 17th.

Norah is doing great. She can totally hold her head up, and look around. She smiles all the time and makes little baby noises at you. She is still sleeping through the night, thank goodness for my sanity. She seems to be fattening up pretty good, so I am thrilled with that.

There are a million other things, but in a nut shell, we are doing fine. So glad fall is here, probably my favorite season. Time for the baking, crafts, and good smells to begin. Talk to you soon and oh.........pics of Norah from today.

Slide Show of Norah's Home Birth

Here is a slide show I put together of Norah's home birth. I would like to add more to it so that it does not seem to last so long, but in any event this is the first draft and will do just fine. I have to admit, that watching this makes me want to do it all over again already. Crazy right? Lol, I will never forget it, and even with all of the literal blood, sweat and tears, every time I look at Norah I think how much worth it, it was, and I would so do it again.

It's a girl!!!

So here we are, trying to find our new groove. Writing about the new baby has been delayed due too, well.......everything, lol.

On August 28th I finally went into labor. And when I say finally this is because I had almost gone into labor several times. It would start, and then stop, start and then stop for days. On the night of the 28th, I finally went into labor. I was in labor for 20 hours! On the afternoon of the 29th the big moment came.

I will write of my birth story soon......when I do not have a baby laying in my lap, lol.

Norah was born at 1:56 p.m. She was born in our family bed, at home, drug free, with our midwife, my mother, son, and husband here. She is beautiful. I can not believe she is a she, we wanted a girl so badly and never did any ultrasounds to check. The sex was entirely a surprise. Her name is Norah Layney Druba. She was 8 pounds and 12 ounces, and was 20 and a half inches long. She has the cutest little fat thighs ever. Everything went well, and baby and I are doing just great. Will post a birth story and photos soon.

The 24th.......wave goodbye

Well here it has been, and there it is going, lol, the 24th, my due date. I told everyone I knew I was going to go late again, and no one believed me, lol.

I'm really kinda bummed. Not because I am still pregnant and I can't stand it anymore, but because I have had this baby living inside of me for 9 months and I am ready to meet her or him. This baby was planned, we wanted this baby, love this baby, can not wait to see this baby, lol. I have been walking around all day rubbing the belly saying, "It's okay, you can come out now, we are ready for you." I don't know if it is working, lol. I know the baby will come when it is ready, I know this, and I would not have it any other way. The suspense is killing me though. Every day for the last 2 weeks has been leading up to this date. "Anytime the baby could come, the baby could be here anytime in the next two weeks." Of course this is knowing that I very well could go over. But now that the day of the 24th is nearly gone, I can't but help but feel that every day after is going to be horrible, waiting, thinking, planning, wondering when. It is no different in fact from the last 2 weeks, but somehow passing that date is disappointing.

Saturday night we had a false alarm, and ever since then I have had harder contractions randomly. Not braxton hicks, I have had those since 2 or 3 months in. These are stronger but with no order. People keep trying to convince me that this random pain is a good thing, that in the end I may have to do less work. That's great, and lets get on with it, lol. I am so ready. I want my birth experience, I want my child, and I am so ready to be a mommy to a new baby again. Patrick is so excited too he just can't wait, and has named his baby doll, Norah Lanie (which is our girl name). He has been intently taking care of his baby doll for the last two days, lol, I love it. He is going to be a totally awesome big brother.

So in any event. It could be any time now, lol.

We are all getting over our colds, which is indeed a good thing and will be wonderful not to have a house full of sick people when the baby does arrive. I am nervous and so excited. I am wondering how long I will be posting....."still no baby yet". In any event it will happen soon, and when it does, the baby will be ready and healthy and that my friends is all I truly care about.

3 Days

I really can not wait to turn this into an all about the new baby blog, lol. I keep thinking of all of the changes that will take place, and while most are pleasant and incredibly exciting, some are scary. For instance, to those who have more than one child this will sound like no big deal, and I am sure that a year from now it will be even different for myself, but the thought of having 2 children instead of one is like, whoa!

When Jerry and I embarked on our adventure to start a family, we were not alone. We had recently moved to Troy MO, after he had left the Air Force. His family and lifetime friends were there. It seemed that shortly after we were there a set of Jerry's friends announced they were expecting. 3 months later, we were in the same place, and then Nick and Jenny 2 months after, and then Jake and Ashley, and.....So I had more than one mom to be pregnant with, and for most of us it was our first child. After everyone had their babies everything seemed right in the world, we all had boys, and talked of the playmate years to come. Then something happened, everyone started on the second round, lol, and Jerry and I were not ready for that round, not then, and didn't know if ever.

We were comfortable being a family of three. Financially it worked. Time wise it worked, we were able to successfully balance our time, and this was a challenge for us. For most it may not have seemed like a hard task, but we had chosen to be child led, and practice Attachment parenting. So while others were bottle feeding I was nursing. While others could leave their babies in the other room to cry to sleep, mine was in bed with me, and while others could pick up and leave a fairly new baby and go on vacation, I could never even consider it. Because of our parenting style it became apparent to most I think, that we were dedicated and centered and family was now our number one priority. Jerry and I thought that for a long time, one child made sense, and anyone who knows Jerry, knows that he enters all things with a lot of thought and caution, the subject of having another baby was no different. We did grow apart from our Friends and we also moved, but we no longer had the one child, family of three in common. Now they had families of four, a toddler and a newborn, and very busy lives.

Those who have read my blog from the beginning know that having another baby is something we talked about for a long time. Just about the time Patrick hit 2, I thought, "My baby is growing up and I want another one", lol. Then he hit three, and it seemed like every time I turned around there were new babies everywhere. We would be standing in line at Wal-mart behind a new mother and child and I would turn to Jerry and say, "I want one." He always would giggle at me.

Jerry and I hit a bit of a ruff patch about 2 years back, and it was my fault, and I will always be eternally grateful to him for not ever giving up on me and holding my hand through the issues I needed to work through. Most men would not have done it. Jerry knew I had some things to work through, and throughout our almost 6 years together we have both grown together and separately. After, and I mean well after.We didn't jump into it to be a fix, Jerry and I sat down and had the baby talk, and finally decided to go for it.

Now here we are, days away from becoming parents to 2 children instead of one. To 2 children! I feel as if I am getting ready to gain a motherhood badge lol, like one child is beginner, and the 2nd becomes the real deal. People ask if we will have anymore after this one, and I just laugh, we don't even have this one yet. We really have no plans for any more children, this one was not in our plans until it was. Is it possible we may have more? Yes. Do I know when? No. We will take it one day, week, month, and year at a time. You never know. Jerry and I have always talked of adopting. I have many children in my life whom I love right now, and I am in no rush to add more to the mix.

Anyway, 2 kids, whoa! Can't believe it. And I have to say I am proud of Jerry and mine's ability to control ourselves, lol, or our...."reproduction". We really are thrilled with the spacing, and we wanted to be young parents, but not to young. Speaking of which........Jerry's birthday is coming up very soon, I have no idea what to get him. I didn't know if I could pass off the new baby as a birthday gift or not, lol, what do you think? He will be a handsome 27 years old on September 3rd. A very sexy 27 indeed, lol. I love him. Can't wait. So excited. Hope everyone has a good day.

5 Days

Our due date is now five days away and guess what? I have a cold! A nasty vicious cold. My midwife assures me that I will not have this baby until my body has healed. I sure hope, and have prayed for this to be true. I would rather not have a cold, and a baby all at the same time.

Midwifes orders? Drink lot's of water and get as much rest as possible. That is what I am doing, and it is entirely stressing me out, lol. I have been trying to not think of all the things I should be getting done leading up to the arrival of the baby. Oh well. Not having a spotless house is not going to kill anyone. Everything having to do with the actual baby is ready, so no worries there.

On the agenda for today.......drinking......lots.........of water!

Tick.....Tock......

The day is getting closer, and closer, and closer and I can't but help be a little nervous. The worst part of it all is waiting. Could it be today? Tonight? Perhaps next week? I have tried on more than one occasion to use my esp, to communicate and coordinate the arrival day, lol. Mind over matter! My neighbor would like to take bets on the day, her guess is the 18th. I told her that it's an impossibility because my mother will be out of town, and this baby has to come when she is here, lol. I asked Jerry if he wanted in, on betting, his reply is, "I think the baby will come......when the baby is ready to come", lol, punk.

The baby will come when he or she is ready and I can not wait. It seems to be all anyone wants to talk about too. I am excited, but I do have other interests besides my belly, lol. The thing that probably gets on my nerves the most is comments about how uncomfortable I must be because of the heat. Yeah, I get hot, not just because I am pregnant, but also because it's 100 degrees outside, everyone is hot, not just me, lol.

Patrick and I have spent the day together snacking and playing, I am glad. I decided I am going to spend what time I have left before the baby comes, focused on him. After the baby gets here, we will all have to share, and the attention will be divided. I feel a loss for Patrick, but maybe it's not that big of a deal, I really don't know. He is going from an only child for 4 whole years, to all of a sudden being an older sibling. He will have to learn patience and understanding, he will have to learn to self entertain, he will have to do more for himself, learn to share and so on. I almost feel as if the addition of another child will force him to grow up even more, and that saddens me. I am the oldest of five, and always felt alone, and burdened. I hope I can find a balance for Patrick that keeps him from having to do anything to fast, or that will make him feel abandoned. He is my baby and always will be.

How You Doin?

Been busy!

Tried to get some sewing done, hasn't happened!

Managed to get my refrigerator cleaned out and filled from grocery shopping. At this point, I told Jerry we can't eat anything because if we eat all the food I bought, there will be

nothing left and

then the baby will come, lol.

Have babysat twice in the last week, attended and AP meeting, had two photography sessions, edited photos, shopped, watered house plants, talked baby talk, played with Patrick, checked on my tomatoes, cleaned like crazy, dishes and so on , yada, yada, yada, and

now....................nothingness. I am taking a break.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed and people seem to keep showing up to my door with needs, not that they are bad needs, but honestly an inconvenience. I hate to offend anyone, but I am tired. I know people need help, and that's why I help, it's the right thing to do, and if I were in the other persons shoes you bet your buttons I would hope someone who grace me with the

help. The only tiny problem here is that, well.....I'm due to have a baby in the next 2 weeks, lol. I love helping others, so if you read this, and I have helped you recently, please do not take offence. It is not the action itself, I am more than happy to oblige, I am just tired.

I broke a a nail this week. I feel like such a girl, lol.

My new friends Brandy and Franchesca just had a baby, I got to hold her today. Franchesca had a home birth, like I will and did an amazing job. It was her first child, and she was due the same day as I am. I am kinda bummed that they get their baby and I still don't have mine, lol.

Got the call today that Jerry's baby sister may possibly be going into labor, she is due two weeks after me, now it looks like her child may actually end up being older than ours, lol. Funny how

things work. I figure, Patrick was 10 days late, this one might as well be, seems like I just might end up having stubborn babies, but then again you never know, I still have 2 weeks.

I can't believe how close it is getting. I don't even really feel that pregnant, and my weight scars me because it is so good, lol. I have only gained 25 pounds and am waiting for the dial to move, especially now in these last few weeks, I want that baby to plump up a bit, lol.

Jerry had to help me put on my underwear last night, can't seem to do some things on my own right now, lol. Funny me saying that after mentioning I don't really feel that pregnant. Jerry

thinks I am in denial, lol, he says the belly has grown, I have not noticed. Although......there was

that incident at Hastings last week, lol, you didn't hear about it? I was sure at least the whole town had heard about the fat pregnant chick that totally side swiped a stack of dvd's with her belly because they were in her blind spot, lol. Movie's everywhere. Took the clerk a moment to realize that I really just did not see them, that they were out of my, "line of sight" due to the gargantuan belly, lol.

My friend Heidi bought me tu-tu's from a yard sale to use for my photography, does that not

make her like the best Friend ever? She's so awesome. I love you Heidi.

Any who, enough yammering from me, wanna see some pics form my last few shoots? You do? Okay heres a couple!

Apologies

I have not written in a little while, and promise too soon. Every time I think I am ready to commit to write every day, something comes up. We have been so busy trying to tie things up here and there, getting ready for the baby, and me starting my photography. I promise to fill in all of the details soon! Apologies