My Alaska Experience Part 1

   I have never written about this, and the reason for that probably is avoidance. I have told the story here and there, but it is a long story, and not many understand what I actually went through.

   When I tell people, “I have been to Alaska”, they ask how I ended up there, then of course the last thing you would ever expect anyone to say is, “Well, I was kidnapped and taken there.”  The response then usually is a look of surprise, confusion, and then followed by a “what?” with an Elvis lip. I then try to explain my answer, but once again, no one really cares. I care though, and this experience for me was life changing in many ways, and I would not be where I am without that experience. This was, the first time in my life where, I learned who God really was, and was not, and more importantly I learned about the enemy. I can see clearly now, what had taken place, and am grateful that it all did, because without the trip to Alaska at 15 years old, I never would have met Jerry, my husband, at 20. This was for me, the first series of events that placed me where I am, and I am so thankful to God for loving me no matter what, and hearing me when I needed help, and never not once forsaking me. I love my God with all of my heart, and thank him for my path, my life, my family, and my place in this world.

 

   Before I actually begin this adventure, I have to give you a little background. My mother, God bless her was not the greatest of mothers, but she most defiantly did her best with what she had, and that was nothing. She had a horrible unimaginable childhood, and upbringing, that I would not wish on my enemies.

   This story begins somewhere in a long line of adventures in our little family. When I was around 11 or so, my mother met a man that she worked with. His name was....”Bob”. Bob seemed like a nice enough guy, very handsome, and I fell in love with his fatherly appearance. He was tall, and had a beard, and always seemed to have a big warm smile. Bob worked at the hospital where my mother was working, and things were hard for us. My mother was working, and supporting 3 children on her own. Eventually, and rather quickly we were moving from our little small town in Oklahoma, to the big state of Texas with Bob. We now had a new addition to our family, and all seemed well….at first. Time passed, and bad things happened, and things just seemed to get worse and worse, the entire “family” was falling apart. It was a nightmare for me, and one of the times in my life I wish I could live without. While in Texas, we lived in an apartment complex and had a neighbor named “Leeann”.  Leeann had three small children whom I loved and become friends with and often was a babysitter for. Leeann becomes part of the story soon, so I have to mention her, otherwise you may ask, “Who is this Leeann person”.

    Soon before you knew it I was 13, my sister was 12, and my brother was no longer a part of our family. So it was in fact, my sister and I on our own. We came to a place in this adventure where my stepfather Bob, was unemployed due to injury and what I believe to be mental instability, and my mother, for the first time in her life took the authority, and said, “We need to support our family, I can make money driving a truck, and I am going to truck driving school.” Bob, quickly decided that no wife of his was going to drive a truck, and that if this is something that she was going to pursue, he would have no part in it. I remember well the day my mom left for truck driving school. She was going to be gone for several weeks training for CRST in Oklahoma.

How I wished I could go with her. The day my mother left, things were quiet in our little 2 bedroom apartment. Bob stayed in his room for a few hours, and then came to my sister and I.                                                                                                                                                                             

   He had us sit on the sofa as he then explained to us that he no longer could be with our mother, and that we needed to leave. “Where are we supposed to go?” “Are you kidding me?” Bob gave us 35 cents to go to a pay phone and call someone to go live with. My sister and I sobbed as we walked to a nearby pay phone, talking with one another, asking, “what do we do know?” “What’s going to happen to us?” “How can he do this?” “We are just kids.” We called the only person in the area that we knew, Leeann. Leeann came and picked us up, and arranged for our aunt, on my mothers side, to come and pick us up from Oklahoma. We ended up at my grandmothers, my mother’s mother, for a period of about 6 months, until I suppose it became apparent that it was crucial for my mother to come home and get us or we were going to kill ourselves. Living with my grandmother was hell, and I will never admit that it was any better than that, I remember pleading with my mother on the phone to come home. It still amazes me to this day, how my grandmother could hate and treat her own blood the way that she did.

   My mother was looked at as a monster by all parties for taking the initiative to support her family, it was if she had some kind of disease that was contagious and they shunned her, and persecuted her, all for going to truck driving school. Family members would say that she abandoned us, but she never did, she left us in the care of our stepfather, who was supposed to love and take care of us until my mothers return. I heard things said like, “A woman’s place is at home”, and “A woman needs to be with her children not all over the country”. How could they be so cruel?  My mother did come home, and my sister and I felt as if we could finally breathe a sigh of relief. For us, being left, kicked out, and abused over the last 6 months was hard, and we so needed to be relieved of it.

   My mother came home, and we found a house in the town my grandmother lived in. Oklahoma was our new state. My mother still was driving a truck, but now my sister and I had a place of our own, away from our devilish grandmother. We had no furniture in our house, we could not afford it, we slept and ate on the floor, but it did not bother us one bit, because we were safe. And this my friends is where we actually start getting to the story of how I, ended up in Alaska.

 

 

   Things were still a little shaky since my mother had come home. We now had a home, but my mother was not there often, she was off driving a truck. She had to, so we could support ourselves, and we were just fine on our own, my sister and I, really.  We were never in any trouble, and we were always taken care of. My mother made sure we had food, and money, and called to check in on us often.

   We had made friends over the last several months at school, and now summer break was upon us. I was looking forward to the summer, until….the rumors started. The rumor started to circulate that I had slept with a boy who had a girlfriend. I was 14 and still had my virginity in tact. Upon the arrival of summer break, my mother had decided that we needed to go back to Texas to collect our things from storage. I was down with getting out of town for a day or two with the rumors going around. We rented a big Uhaul, and my mother, sister and I headed down south. We collected our things from storage, and then headed by our old friends place, Leeann’s.

 

  Leeann was a really nice woman. She was a single mother of three, two boys and a girl. “Abigail”, who was Eight,” Ethan”, who was Six and “Peter”, who was Three. Leeann seamed to be a great mom, and friend. When we lived in Texas with her as our neighbor, she took care of my sister and I, over the summer, of her own free will. She would take us to the movies, and miniature golf, and to Hurricane Harbor. We liked to hang out over at her apartment. They had movies, and a computer, and video games, and more than anything good food and snacks. We loved Leeann and her kids. I also, being the oldest would watch her kids from time to time.

   I remember the day my mother, sister and I pulled up on the side of her apartment, there in Texas, with our Uhaul of our belongings, which was not much. Leeann was happy to see us, and invited us in. I really don’t know much of what took place while we were there, because my sister and I were with the kids, while my mother and Leeann talked. I heard their conversation every so often and heard them talk of my now ex-stepfather, and religion, and me. We came to a place where we were ending our visit soon. Leeann had told my mother that she and her children were going to Alaska for 2 weeks to visit her family, and so that the children could see their father. Leeann then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go on the trip with them. Uh, well yeah, of course. I was not looking forward to going home back to the rumors and lies. I saw no reason not to take the offer. Going to Alaska was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it was only for two weeks, but the trip would be longer since we were driving. While I was there in Texas, before the trip to Alaska, I could also visit with old friends so that was exciting as well. Leeann explained to me how much of a help it would be if I were to go, to help look after the kids. I was sold!

   The plan seemed simple, I was to hang in Texas for a small period of time with Leeann and her children, visit with old friends, head to Alaska, and behold the magnificence, and then come back, on the way, Leeann dropping me off at home. Simple right? Before my mother and sister left, Leeann explained to my mother that she was getting new furniture when they came back from their trip, and that if my mother wanted her old furniture she could have it. All we really had was two old orange chairs that must have come from the 70’s. My mother graciously accepted. Now, my mother had a full Uhaul of furniture to take back with her, Sofa and Chair, Kitchen table and chairs, and a bedroom suit. The time came for my mother and sister to leave back to Oklahoma. My mother told me that she would pack up some things for me, and send them to me before we left for Alaska; after all it was the end of May in Texas and it was hot, but tank tops and shorts would not fly in Alaska. We hugged and kissed and then it was goodbye.

  

 

   Now I was with Leeann and her children. We went to the movies the second day I was there, and I was treated no different than I ever had been. I contacted my old friend “Stacy’ so that we could visit. Leeann, did not want me far from her site but agreed to let Stacy’s mother pick me up for an afternoon. I wanted to see my friend Stacy everyday while I was there in Texas, but Leeann started making comments about the people I chose to associate myself with, and made a big deal about me being on the phone and wanting to go places. There was in fact, nothing wrong with Stacy and she was a very good friend, and girl. Leeann threw a birthday party for me while I was there. My birthday is at the end of May, and she did invite my friend Stacy to the party. She bought me an Ice cream cake from Ben and Jerry’s, I remember well, it was Oreo cookie ice cream filling, and the best cake I had ever had. She bought me a duffel bag and matching back pack for our trip to Alaska, and my very own sleeping bag. She also had given me one of those clothe saint necklaces to wear.  I knew she had spent a lot of money on me, and I was grateful.

   Now you have to remember all of this was only a period of maybe 5 days of so. Over this course of time Leeann started talking to me on a daily basis about her God, and church, and how she had a growing relationship with the saints. I knew that Leeann was Catholic, and that she and the children went to church on Sundays, but not regularly when I had lived there. I remember having a strange feeling watching the children perform their nightly routine that I had never seen before. It involved several different prayers and the three year old, Peter, was required to know his prayers on his own. Leeann also asked that I start saying prayers with them. I remember seeing Leeann, several times a day praying. On Sunday it was required that I go to church with them, and she prayed the whole way there out loud in the car. Attending church that morning was very hard for me, I mean what 15 year old likes church anyway? It was like nothing I had ever seen before, and it was full of ritual, and prayers, and chants. I was lost in the sea of people chanting, it was a moment for me I remember, and I remember the feeling I got from it. Leeann talked about the saints to me on the way back to the house, and I knew at that point, that she was trying to turn me Catholic. It came time for our journey to begin. We were going to leave the city of Denton, and drive to Dallas, to pick up Leeann’s sister, so that she could make the trip with us, it was a long drive to Alaska.

   The day we left for our trip I was uneasy and nervous. My package of clothing my mother was to send had not arrived yet, so I had almost nothing with me. Leeann assured me that someone was going to be picking up her mail, and would forward the package to where we were so that I would be clothed. I was also anxious about a week long trip in a car with five other people. Leeann made sure that each one of us children was equipped with a special necklace, and that we all had cards with a protection prayer on them, in our belongings. Leeann was also equipped with a rosary, and a bracelet with special praying beads and saints on it. We picked up Leeann’s sister at the Airport in Dallas, “Lana” was her name. From the second I saw Lana, I knew I did not like her, there was something about her, an evil. We stopped at some friends of Leeann’s there in Dallas for dinner. They seemed like very kind people, and were very generous, looking back, I wish I could have seen things as they were, but I was after all only 15 years old.  I now can remember how I was moved from one room to another, and people would get quite when I entered the room, one can’t help but think that they are then talking about you when this occurs. I remember feeling strange, like something bigger was going on, but I didn’t know what it  was. I went to Leeann that night and I told her that I was sorry, but that I didn’t want to go anymore. I had a bad a feeling, and I just wanted to go home. I suggested that on their way, they could in fact drop me off at my home in Oklahoma. Leeann tried to comfort me, and assure me that everything was fine and great, and that the trip would be over before we knew it, and then also tried to guilt me at the same time, using the things that she had bought for me as a reason I should go. I agreed to continue on the trip, even though I did not want to.

   Now we really were ready to start our journey, so we loaded up in the Expedition, and hit the highway.

My week, and the mother hating, baby hating Nazi nurse

Have not written in a few, this of course is because I have been so busy, and it seems as if everyone is pulling me in different directions at all times.

We saw our midwife this week, and all is well. The baby is growing just fine, very active, and getting big. I only have 17 weeks left. Amazing how time flies, and I thought this second pregnancy was going to take forever, lol. SO I have pretty much come to the conclusion that we are having a girl. I don't know this for fact but, well it's just a hunch, I was right with Patrick.

So anyway, all I want to do now, now that I have finally convinced myself that she is a she, is go out and buy baby stuff. Sheesh, what does a girl do, the not knowing for sure has been so hard for me, of course Jerry is happy as can be, and I really suspect he loves seeing me squirm every so often in agony over the fact I don't know, lol. Conspiracy??? Lol, nope, just me being a freak.

Went to a breastfeeding seminar at the hospital, learned some really disturbing things, gosh, I so made the right choice not to see an OB here or birth here. The seminar was led by a woman who works for Presbyterian Health Care, blah, blah, blah. I had mixed feelings on the meeting, and was really disappointed in the hospital staff who works on the maternity care ward. Needles to say I was once accused of being unfit due to the fact that I want to have a home birth and I'm not seeing an OB. God forbid I actually take the authority over my own body and trust in its ability to make and deliver a baby. It's only happened for the last 2000+ years, who heck do I think I am to just assume that nature will take it's course? Lol! Really, because I don't have a man in my crotch every month, and I don't have blood drawn, and diabetic testing, and constant track of my weight, I'm looked at like a ani-doctor, hippy loving freak. You know what though, I am a hippy loving freak! A home birth is way more safe than a hospital birth for so many reasons, I can not believe how brain washed women in society are. They woman, Nurse, aka, "woman and baby hating Nazi", in response to me admitting freely that I was planning a home birth, gave me the third degree. What? Are you doing it at home? With who? Are you going to Texas? You might as well go to the birthing center in Roswell. I informed the  "mother hating, baby hating Nazi", that I had done my research and I was confident in my choice for my child. He reply...lol, "Well I hope you know what you are doing because I have seen plenty of ruptured uterus's". I wish I would have had the urge to vomit at that moment, because I would have done so, on her, lol. Not really now. I have enough faith and confidence in my decision that her words did not make me "feel" and different.

TERMITES!!!

Well, they are here. Jerry and I found out today that we in fact bought a house with termites. Damn! What the heck do we do now? I called up the Orkin guy, and for $2000.00 dollars I can get my house treated with no guarantee.  Uhhh, what the heck do you do? So either option A, go into debt to fight off termites that may or may not die or leave my home because there is no guarantee, or option B, do nothing and watch our first home crumble in front of us. I am so disappointed and asked my mom today if this is something I can just pray away. I would love it if it would work, lol. Last year Jerry and I had thought we might have termites because we had found some in the yard, and over at the neighbors. Last spring I had an Orkin guy come out and he found no evidence of any termites, we still wanted to take percussion's, but could not afford it. Now this year, low and behold, there is no doubt. When they start flying into your house through cracks in the window frame, it's hard to deny that they are there. I caught some and showed them to the Orkin guy, knowing full well already what they were. His response to me is, "I am sorry I hate to see a young family have to deal with this, but you most definitely have termites." Well, crap! So now I know I am living with bugs, in my walls and under my floor. I really do think it is such a crime that they can charge so much for something so potentially dangerous to an entire home. If you don't have it, you just have to wait. Ugh. I am really disappointed, but have decided that nothing can be done immediately, so I might as well not fret over it. I am also going to shop around and see if I can find anything cheaper. I just am really disappointed that this happened, and right now, the timing sucks!

Chance to be in the paper again

I have the opportunity this week to take some photos that could end themselves up in the Clovis News Journal. This for me is exciting, and I would love to be in there once more. Through the local photography club I am in, we have been given the chance to photograph people planting flowers, or gardening for a spring spread they want to do the first week of May. Beside myself I know no one who is doing any gardening, lol. It does not have to be a front facing photo, and they don't want anyone actually looking at the camera. Any takers? Anyone wanna be in the paper? I would love to once again get in the paper and have my name recognised by the editor. I am going to try my best to search out man, woman, or child to enter for my submission. If you know anyone who is maybe organically gardening, or composting, or really improving their lawn by landscaping with flowers and shrubs, let me know, and they could be in the CNJ with their name, and what it is that they are working on.

Our Anniversary

Jerry and I had a wonderful anniversary!

Our anniversary was on Wednesday, the 22nd, Earth day. We got to kick off our anniversary week on the Sunday before, where my beloved mother watched my child for Jerry and I, for half 

the day. Thanks mom! Jerry and I went out and had lunch, which was lovely. Then we played around at LOWE'S for a while looking for our yearly "anniversary/earth day" plant to place in our

 yard. We could not find anything we just had to have, oh well, we still had fun and plan on checking out some nursery's this coming weekend. Then we jetted off to Hastings and picked out some movies, looked at some books, and then off to pick up our child with whom we had now been without for nearly 6 hours and were missing desperately. A great day.

   

Then on Wednesday Jerry had to work. Sad, but it also worked in my favor, l

ol. Patrick and I spent the day and went and bought some candles, some flowers, and some good food. I prepared a rather large steak for my man, with some steamed veggies, mashed potatoes, sauted mushrooms and onions, a wonderful salad, and some sourdough bread. It was yummy! Jerry walked in and saw the candles and food, and flowers, and was genuinely grateful, and of course this made me feel great. 

He  probably told me a million times how good the food was, and how nice it was. Success! For desert we had strawberry shortcake which was delightful as well. Jerry thought it was really special, and Patrick loved the fact that it was such a special dinner. After dinner my wonderful husband and I sat down together and looked through our wedding scrapbook, and read through the entire ceremony that we have typed out. It was really nice to be able to sit, remember and reflect, the wedding, why, when, and everything that has happened since.

 Jerry and I have been together going on 6 years now, 3 of which are now married years. I love my husband. Jerry also came home with a wonderful card for me, and a big beautiful pot of calla lilies. I love calla lilies, and I love my Jerry.

It's hard to think that it has only been three years since our wedding, and it was beautiful. I pride myself in the fact that I planned it in 4 months, and the cost was less than $1,500.00. Yes I am that good! Lol. I will never forget it, the weather and how perfect it was that day for our outdoor wedding. I will never forget the live guitar playing as I came down the isle. I will never forget how happy everyone was, and how wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people we loved. My sister was able to come, mom mother and brother, and father were there. What more could a girl ask for. Our family was joined together that day, and for me it will always be a very special day.

22 and 23 weeks

Hello there, remember me? I am the one that is supposed to be maintaining this blog.

    This week has been a very busy one, and now we are coming to another weekend. I don't think I have ever had a week go by so quickly. The time goes to fast. The trees are finally recovering from the last freeze, and flowers are blooming once again. The local temp here yesterday was over 90f, and I imagine we have many hot days ahead of us.

   As promised I am posting new pregnancy photos. 

I really, really did not want to. It's so hard for me to publicly post photos of myself not looking, what I believe to be my best

, and would almost rather find a photo of me on the toilet than fully clothed and huge, lol. I get humongous. I got huge with Patrick, and I knew I would this time to. I have not gained nearly the weight as last time, but my gosh, there is no mistaking that I am pregnant, forget the belly for a minute, theres also now a waddle.

 I took one look at these photos and quickly decided that I am never leaving the house again until this baby is born, lol. Joking of course. So here they are! If you scroll down a tad you can tell the difference that has occurred in the last few weeks. Once I hit about 22 weeks, I gained another 5 pounds, not cool, but necessary I suppose. The top photo is me at 22 weeks, and the bottom is me going into my 23rd week.

Ramblings

   Well here we are, lots to talk about today, but I am going to do the short version. First off, I have been told by some, that they have tried to leave comments here on the blog, but they were unable. This problem should now be fixed!

   Patrick and I had playgroup at the Zoo today. The moms group is kinda touch and go, but we tend to get a couple playgroups in a month. Patrick loves it!

   Took my brother to run errands today, not the funnest thing, but oddly enough I do enjoy his company, when he's not picking on me that is. 

   Today is Friday.....TGIF! Thank God It's Friday, Jerry and I have been awaiting the weekend. I am so glad that it is finally here, I miss my husband during the week, badly, and on Saturday and Sunday he is mine, partially, I do have to share, lol.

   Next week hold good things. Next week I should see my midwife, I hit 22 weeks. Hard to believe I know, and this week on Wed, Earth day, will be Jerry and I's, 3 year wedding anniversary. Anniversary's are so much fun for us, because it may be like the one time a year that we get a substantial amount of time alone, and by substantial, I mean a whole 6 hours! Lol, I'll take it! I love my husband so much, and can not even fathom what a wold would be like without him, I am so glad to have been his wife for the last three years and can not wait to see that number get bigger. I will post a new pregnancy photo next week, to mark the 22 weeks. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Spoiled Housewife

   I love my husband! My husband understands my need to be organized. At most times I think of myself as low maintenance, but every so often I get to that, "I've had it" point where I must spend a little money for the greater cause, organization. 

   This month my husband has made me the happiest girl on the planet, not only did I get a new ironing board, which I desperately needed, but I also got a brand new vacuum cleaner.  This of course to myself sounds odd, and I have to ask myself are you really that easy to please? Yes I am. Help me get organized, and you are my best friend. I take pride in keeping my home clean, does this happen regularly? No! And I mean No! I have a child, a toddler no less, and it is near impossible for me to keep the place clean. All I can do is try, but I also refuse to be a slave to my home, I would rather play with my child in the floor. 

   I have recently taken up sewing, which I love to do, but is something almost impossible to do without a surface to iron on. I have never owned my very own ironing board before, and thought now is the time, so I went out, and bought me one. I even found a rack that goes onto the wall to hang my iron on, so nifty. I feel spoiled, and just the fact that if I want to stand there for an hour and iron clothes or fabric, excites me, lol, I'm such a dork. I also have been the proud owner of a loud, non sucking, smelly vacuum cleaner for way to long, 4 years to be exact and finally I said "No more". So now I am also the proud owner of a new vacuum that very well does suck, sucks the dirt right out of my carpet, lol and does not fill my home with the smell of burned rubber. What more could a girl ask for, lol.

Dear Non Pregnant Person

Dear Non-Pregnant Person, 

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an arse,

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'. 

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. 

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman. 

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'. 

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. 

7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D; are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it. 

8) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping. 

9) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less. I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better. 

Signed, All Pregnant Women

Easter

   Easter, blech! I do not like Easter. Everyone has asked me all week, "what are you doing for Easter?" Nothing I say. "Nothing? Really?" I suppose maybe I should just make up something next year so I don't get all of the funny looks and reactions, and believe me, if I told you what I really thought about Easter, they would run in the opposite direction praying for my soul, lol.  I however will not give anyone that satisfaction. The biggest question is about Patrick, "No Easter for Patrick?" "Nope!" Lets see, first I would have to distinguish what Easter is actually for, to my child. Either it is a religious holiday, (which I do not agree with) or it is about chocolate and Easter eggs and bunny's. If it is a religious holiday, than it is not a fun one, and if it is about Bunny's and eggs, well, that's just lame, lol. My son can't have chocolate, or 99% of any of the candies on the shelf at Easter time, because of his milk allergies. So Easter baskets really aren't a reality for us. We do not go to church, so no service on murder and resurrection as well.

   Yesterday was a fun day. We, Jerry, Patrick, and I hang around the house, and I stayed in my Jammie's until 4 in the afternoon, lol. I did a little here and there, but not much. Jerry got the new computer up and running, and put it in the spot of the old one. This is very exciting for both of us. Why? Because, well, Jerry has a new computer to play with, and the old computer goes to ME! I now get my very own computer to use for my photography, and photo editing programs. What more could a girl ask for? Lol. Jerry has also set up a network, so the computers can share info, and I can print documents all the way from the back room if I want to....spoiled!

   I finished Easter photos I did for my good friend Beth, and I was happy to have her be pleased with them. She came by, and she selected her photos, and we placed the order. I got a big tip! I like the idea of making money doing something I think is a ton of fun. What more could you ask for. I feel blessed. And to end the day, the "Barela Boys" came over for a few hours and played. I really like seeing them, and Jerry has really liked having a houseful of kids, because you know, it is the perfect time and excuse to behave like one himself!

   My plans for the day? Well, we started off with pancakes, and eggs, and some not so great blueberry muffins that fell in the oven, (no clue why). So now, it is a lazy day. I love lazy days, where I don't have to worry about obligations, at all. I have allowed myself one day, just one, where I can just do what I want, when I want. I will probably start working on my new website I am building for my photography. I will probably do some sewing, and finish two ongoing projects. I imagine I will play in the floor with Patrick, do some reading, love on my husband, throw in a load of laundry and await dinner time where I will then be preparing Lemon and Dill Salmon. So as you can see, I have a very full day, lol, and I must get started. Love to all, and those who do celebrate Easter, and the slaughtering of the lamb, I hope you have a great day. I will!                                     

Photos for a bad day

 
   Today has not been my best of days, but I have trucked on regardless. There is not time for breakdowns, lol. Things may not be that bad, but at this point, I do not trust my own judgement seeing how it is clouded by pregnancy hormones, and the roller coaster I am on now, probably could pass me off as legally insane at the moment. I am sure the lack of sleep I have had lately dramatically influences my day, my attitude, and my current perception of the world. Some say sleep is overrated, I say it is absolutely necessary.

 

  So to celebrate my crappy day, and my

 absolute irrational feelings of doom and dread, I did what any unbalanced girl would do, I prettied myself up, and took photos. It does work you know!?! For me at least, I can have a fat day, an ugly day, a bad day, and take some pictures, edit them, and then feel better about myself, lol. Hey, don't give me crap! Some drink coffee, some have chocolate, or addictions to caffeine, my feel good fix.........photos. So here they are, I am posting my "feel good" pics today. I am not as thin as I once was, I am not as young as I once was, but I think e

veryone likes to feel good about themselves, and I like being able to look at a picture of myself and say, "I look Pretty!" I may not feel that way, but I look it, lol. That's me!

Feeling of frustration

   Today has not been a good day for me, and if you are wise, you will remain out of my way! The day started off with one of my cats going insane, at and at this point, I am [] this close to sending him elsewhere. Milo, the cat, the trouble maker of the two, the epitome of, "curiosity killed a cat", (which will soon become a reality if he doesn't straiten up) has flipped his gourd. Now I would never really kill my cat, but I will find him a new home., lol. I hate that I despise him right now, and he is after all an animal, and him. Can't I just love him for who he is? No, is the answer, not at this point.

   Two days ago a bottom cabinet that leads underneath the house was left open. Milo decided that this was a present just for him, and took the opportunity to disappear. "Where is Milo? Where could he go? Oh, no! The cabinet is open! Crap!" Every morning i let the cats out of the back room, they are contained there at night to keep them from running all over the house at night and reeking havoc. I went to let the cat's out and this is when I realized there was only one cat, not two. Soon the other disappeared as well. I figured that they had to come up to eat and drink......I thought so, and waited until 10:30 pm for them to resurface. I blocked the cabinet with a box of toys. Milo cried all night, and in the morning, until.....silence. Low and behold when I came to let the cats out, there was only one, and the cabinet was open. MILO!!! Somehow that cat moved that box, and opened that cabinet, to get under the house once again. I waited for him to come out...............and every time I would go near him, he would run back in. 

   Lol. So I strategically planed my next steps. Close the cabinet, his exit. Close the door to the back room, with brother cat inside, and open the vent in the hallway. I sat there waiting, and waiting, and then, like God said, "here honey" a fly flew into the house, into the bathroom across the hall. Milo ran out after the fly, and BAM! I blocked his exit. Every entry under the house is now sealed, and the cat is...........VAMPIRE CAT! Lol. This is now what I refer to him as. He is behaving oddly, crying, crouching, not letting you pet him, running from you, ears down, tail down, crying, and moaning. This morning I was woke up at 4am by the delightful sound of Milo howling. And then trying to literally rip the access panel of the wall in the utility room. What the heck? Anyway, eventually, I said whatever, I was tired of the crying cat, so I let him outside, as he seemed he wanted to be. For the rest of the day he sat at the door crying, scratching, and every time I would open the door, he would run! Lol. He is rather odd, and the stress of all of it got to me today.

 

   The dog ate Patrick's sandwich today as well. I have had building hostility towards my animals for months now, and wonder if it is not somehow related to my pregnancy. At this point, I feel as if we should get rid of them all. Jerry of course thinks I will change my mind later, and if we were to get rid of them I would regret it eventually. I feel like some horrible person. I am a lover, I teach peace, and try to practice it. I pride myself most of the time with how much patience I can exercise, and yet here I am, hating my dog and cats, my family. I do not understand this, and have had a really hard time, dealing with the emotions themselves. I can only teach my son peace, by showing him peace.

Working hard, or hardly working?

   The weekend is over and here we are, at another Monday. Jerry went back to work, and Patrick and I stayed behind to tend to the fort as usual. Poor Patrick has Allergies today, and has been walking back and forth across the house with his beloved hankie, that grandma gave him, in hand. His little nose is all red.

   To those who do not know, at one time I considered going into photography, home based. I put this dream aside for a while, only to realize it is something I really love doing, and can't live without. So I have newly decided to pursue it once more. I have been working on photos today, that I took on Friday of a friends daughter. I can not wait for her to see them, and think I did rather well. Here is a sample........

My Meeting today

Today was our Attachment Parenting Meeting here in little old Clovis New Mexico. I started this group nearly 6 months ago, and so far so good. It is the first group in the entire state of NM. Our meetings vary in size depending on holidays and what not, but over all has been regular. This month, we had several new moms show up and I am very excited about that. Today we had 18 moms come, which equals even more kids, lol.

The meeting today was on slings and cloth diapers. Jami, one of our members offered to head up this meeting since she knows a lot in both areas, and of course I took the opportunity to have a break. She did well, and had many different examples of cloth diapers, and different types of slings. It was great.

I feel great. This is something I am really excited about, and passionate about. I honestly believe we can change the world we live in, starting with our children. Through AP I am teaching my child love, empathy, respect, independence, honor, and so much more. I love the fact that I am at a place in my life where I can share what I have learned with others. When I first started planning this I thought I was nuts, lol, Jerry thought it was a great idea. We had seen how AP had worked so well for us. I really love being able to meet new moms in the area that are attempting to raise their children in a similar fashion. There is also a military base here, and many of the women are away from their support systems, and families, and the group offers them something great as well.

I just had to blurb about the group today because we had our meeting, and their were even more new moms, and it is so exciting to see something that you created, growing into something bigger and better. In four months we have 20 members, who knows how big it will get.

All about me, me, me

Well here I am.

I was laying in bed last night, so stressed out, thinking of the million things I need to do, and I realized that I have not blogged in a few days. How could this be? Somewhere between the housework, breakfast, lunch, dinner, grocery shopping, potty breaks, and overall tending to the fort, I lost track of time.

So, Jerry and I have decided that my nerves need a vacation. Nothing big, just a few hours to myself which I have not had in some time. Patrick my son, I love him dearly, but if we spend to much time together, lol, somehow we become like fighting siblings with one another. We are rude and short tempered, and it goes both ways folks. When Jerry sees us behaving this way, he knows I need some time off, lol, and so does Patrick.

I have been trying to get a hold of this stress thing. I feel stressed. Why am I stressed? Well because.....this, and this, and this.......etc. Do I need to be stressed? No. Can I stop this? Yes!
This dialogue is what has been going on in my head. I took a moment before bed last night where I locked myself in the dark bathroom, sipped on my chamomile tea, listened to the rain, and zenned out. Of course this was a grand total of about 4 minutes, but my 4 minutes none the less. For some reason, at times, not always, I have this tendency to just feel like the sky is falling, and I am the only one who is concerned about keeping it up. Example: I like to have a clean house, I would like to keep it clean, but having an almost 4 year old makes this hard. He is the destroyer, lol. Jerry does not have much time to help me out with the house, and this bothers me, but at the same time if I catch him loading the dish washer I stop him. Not because I am a control freak and hes not doing it right, no, because I would rather have him relax after working all day. Jerry, god bless him, has never once, ever, complained, or nagged about the state of the house, never, no matter how dirty it is.
When I ask about it, he always tells me this, "Look, if I come home and the house is a wreck, I know you have been playing with our son all day. Which is more important? The house or our son?" Well duh, the answer to that is obvious, lol. He does not make me feel guilty, or like a failure. I do! Lol. I do, I beat myself up. I have to stop doing this, because this self inflicted stress is not cool. Things are not as big of a deal as others may think they are, or I think they are. So, I have decided to pick my battles, with everything. Is it worth it? Is it a priority? Does it have to be done now?

This call could also be the result, or at least encouraged by the fact that I have not been getting much sleep. I am getting too much vitamin B, which is keeping my from sleeping. Of course there is also the issue of getting up 6 times a night to use the restroom, and that this growing belly is not getting in my way, and comfort when it comes to sleeping. I didn't have all the these sleep issues before with Pat, but then again, if I was tired, I could just take a nap. No naps this time around. Ever since Patrick stopped nursing, he also stopped taking naps. How I long for those afternoon naps, lol. I also realized yesterday that I have skipped several weeks of pregnancy photos. My belly has grown since my last photo, I will have to update that as well.